A new forbidden question

If there is one to be certain of, it’s never be surprised by what questions your students can throw at you.

I made this mistake today during a class with second year high school students. I had already pre-warned them that asking such questions such as “Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Do you have children?”, “Are you married?” is off-limits. Two girls were very cunning with your question they managed to write in 3 minutes…..

“How many times have you declared love?”

The curve ball hit well and truly hard. Digging up past, painful memories, to which I had forgotten… well which I had thought I had forgotten.

The Past

First things first, before coming to Japan, I was in a long-term relationship. The man I was with we perfect for me. I had never felt so happy. Except he lived in America and I liked the UK. You can bash all long distance relationships as much as you want, but if you say I wasn’t in love, then who the hell are you are to tell me such a thing. It did cost a lot to travel to the states to see him whenever I could. But it did take its toll on my when he kept insisting that I move to the states to live with him, but I never felt comfortable in NY. Well I felt I was shying away from things. The only thing that got me through staying there was him. He such a great support but I felt I could never live there.

Now you know the main back story, here is what some may not know. We were as it happened, Engaged. There was no ring or a big fancy proposal, it simple and natural. We never really told many people only our close friends. Even my parents don’t know about it. But we weren’t trying to hide it. We were still trying figure out the next step. This is the only time I have ever felt so happy, I had planned a wedding, which was a first for me because I never thought I would get married. I always thought I would be alone, happy but alone. So it was a big thing for me.

Anyway, returning to the question..

“How many times have you declared love?”

There has only been one time where I have declared love. One time I felt he was the one I could spend the rest of my life with. One time I felt someone had fully accepted me for who I am and not trying to change me. One time I miss and regret giving up. I should have just tried to talk it out so we could have come to an agreement. But I was childish, no excuses.

I know I should be happy that I made the choice and I am dealing it with it a little badly recent and its been playing on my mind a lot. There are so many ifs and buts that it’s a whirlpool inside my mind. But there is no going back. He has his own family, he is with someone, who in my opinion is just using him, but who am I to say anything.

When I was asked the question, everything came flooding back and I told the students about how I was engaged before I came to Japan, and that it didn’t work out. It just reminded me of how much I have changed. This all happened maybe 6 years ago. I came to Japan 5 years ago. Here I am. Wondering if I will ever find someone again, someone who I well and truly loved as much, if not more, than how much I loved him.

Feelings – Oh how I hate you!!!!

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