I know I have been really bad for not posting on this site for a really time. But that is about to change. Things have been rather challenging over this year. There many been things that have been playing on mind and have kept inside for far too long. I remember the time when I was going through therapy… and its something that I always tell my friends, and thats is to never keep things inside. Venting out your thoughts is a rather helpful thing to do, so here I go.
If there is one to be certain of, it’s never be surprised by what questions your students can throw at you.
I made this mistake today during a class with second year high school students. I had already pre-warned them that asking such questions such as “Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Do you have children?”, “Are you married?” is off-limits. Two girls were very cunning with your question they managed to write in 3 minutes…..
“How many times have you declared love?”
The curve ball hit well and truly hard. Digging up past, painful memories, to which I had forgotten… well which I had thought I had forgotten.
First things first, before coming to Japan, I was in a long-term relationship. The man I was with we perfect for me. I had never felt so happy. Except he lived in America and I liked the UK. You can bash all long distance relationships as much as you want, but if you say I wasn’t in love, then who the hell are you are to tell me such a thing. It did cost a lot to travel to the states to see him whenever I could. But it did take its toll on my when he kept insisting that I move to the states to live with him, but I never felt comfortable in NY. Well I felt I was shying away from things. The only thing that got me through staying there was him. He such a great support but I felt I could never live there.
Now you know the main back story, here is what some may not know. We were as it happened, Engaged. There was no ring or a big fancy proposal, it simple and natural. We never really told many people only our close friends. Even my parents don’t know about it. But we weren’t trying to hide it. We were still trying figure out the next step. This is the only time I have ever felt so happy, I had planned a wedding, which was a first for me because I never thought I would get married. I always thought I would be alone, happy but alone. So it was a big thing for me.
Anyway, returning to the question..
“How many times have you declared love?”
There has only been one time where I have declared love. One time I felt he was the one I could spend the rest of my life with. One time I felt someone had fully accepted me for who I am and not trying to change me. One time I miss and regret giving up. I should have just tried to talk it out so we could have come to an agreement. But I was childish, no excuses.
I know I should be happy that I made the choice and I am dealing it with it a little badly recent and its been playing on my mind a lot. There are so many ifs and buts that it’s a whirlpool inside my mind. But there is no going back. He has his own family, he is with someone, who in my opinion is just using him, but who am I to say anything.
When I was asked the question, everything came flooding back and I told the students about how I was engaged before I came to Japan, and that it didn’t work out. It just reminded me of how much I have changed. This all happened maybe 6 years ago. I came to Japan 5 years ago. Here I am. Wondering if I will ever find someone again, someone who I well and truly loved as much, if not more, than how much I loved him.
Feelings – Oh how I hate you!!!!
Recently, I have been spending a lot of late nights (when I am trying to get to sleep esepcially) reflecting back on my life… so be prepared for a lot negative and some positive thoughts!
I have been busy recently with work and then I found that playing games has taken over my free time LOL.
Recently, for my HS classes, I getting my 1st grade students to write about who they want to say “Thank you” to. As I am a nice teacher, I always give them an example to follow and it totally got me thinking – I really do need to say a massive thank you to one person in particular.
So here it goes~
Now I am sorry for not even bothering to post anything in a very long time (Waaaay too long). But I have been super distracted with gaming. Oh, yes people! GAMING!!
Last year I bought a PS4 and I was really enjoying playing Overwatch, Diablo III, Doom and then Final Fantasy 15. Yet, as from January, I started playing an MMO Final Fantasy 14 because there was a 14 day trial and I’ve been playing it ever since. Its been a great way for me to practice Japanese… but it gets super addictive too easily and I would hate to see how many hours I have spent playing it already >.<
(It is set to private, but you will have to prove I know you before I let you view my account!)
But its really fun to play and there are lots of things to do. For example, there are many different classes for you to try and level up. My main class is a Black Mage (Well I am a goth… gotta do the Gothic things hahaha). Although I started the game as a White Mage (Healer). I switched to a black mage and I love it. I have many other classes but these two are the higher levels.
I do recommend people come and play! And if we are on the same server, add me as a friend!
Otherwise, I promise I will up-date this site soon as Summer vacation is looming around the corner and I want to watch more dramas to take a break from gaming rofl.
I know this is a strange reason to suddenly post something. But this year has be fun yet only recently has some challenges came to light.
The first challenge appeared shortly after failing the N4 test. To some it may not seem like a big thing to others. But as someone who worked hard and tried to study as much as I could. It was a blow. Ok, I know I shouldn’t have thought that I would actually pass the damn thing. But still. Now in my life, this is the fourth test I have actually failed.
The first time I was told my graded ballet exam, after my dance teacher ended the call, I burst into tears. This was ballet, which I had always been the one of the top students in my class. It literally broke me heart. However, I then went on to be my dance teachers first student to pass grade 8 RAD ballet. The second exam I failed was Social studies in Sixth form. But that was shit and I hated it. The third was failing N5. It was my first time taking the JLPT. But still, it made me feel worthless and a waste of money.
Now failing might not seen like such a big thing. But I take many things to heart and it chips away at me inside. N4 might seem like its ok to fail the first time, but I was doing well for the practice tests. So why did I fail the actually exam?????
Anyway, recently, I have started to play an online game in Japanese, to help me study. But once someone starts to talk to me in English, I slide into English mode. But then someone made me feel so small because I was having trouble and they said to stop playing in a server and change to another one.
I suffer from anxiety, so this made me worry even more. Thinking if my Japanese is even good enough? What if I am wasting peoples time trying to learn this language? What am I actually doing here? Will my boyfriend even stay with me if my Japanese is so bad???? Even now typing this has started to make me cry because I feel so hurt and out of place. Yet the reason for leaving the UK, was for feeling out of place and an outcast. That’s not the only reason of course.
I am trying but its never enough!!
This leads to my current problem, I can be socially awkward. I can only really get along with certain people and others can target me easily because I will do what they say under some degree of pressure. The last time I was pressured so much, I literally buckled. As in I had therapy. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Never in my life have I been told that I am useless, until I was in my last job in the UK. I kid you not. My manager told me I was useless and that my pay rise was a mistake. It hit me so hard, that suicide was an option. I was doing my best. Trying to help other sections and my own. Running around and doing too many things at once. The best thing for me was to reach out for help. So I went to my doctor. Who just told me I was an easy target and too soft. Of course. I didn’t tell my parents because my mother was preoccupied looking after my Nan at the time and Dad had work. So I asked for an appointment to see the doctor.
Only after all of that, I got a job to work in Japan. I am so glad I came and I love my job. But anxiety is always difficult to deal with. I wonder if I am really doing a good job. If my students actually understand my English instructions and if the teacher understands what I am trying to do. Its just recently hit me all like a tone of bricks. Even thought my new company bosses has said everyone has done a great job and they have no complaints this year, I still wonder if its just in general and they hiding something.
Now, I wouldn’t say I am overly socially awkward, its just I have problems with dealing with some situations and it doesn’t help when I live out of the city centre and people think its easy for me to go to places quickly. I don’t like short notice. I don’t like intruding on people. Above all, I don’t like places where I don’t know many people and my paranoia creeps in. I know I should be setting an example to students and for my company. But there are times where its difficult.
Socialising with schools this year has been difficult. As I feel I don’t know many other staff members because I am in the English teachers staff room. Compared to last year where I knew many members of staff as everyone was together. I just guess insecure worry that my Japanese isn’t sufficient enough to handle conversations.
But the point of this post was to let of some steam. I just wish things were little easier but I guess I should try harder.
I can’t believe my last post was all the way back in January!!
There is so much to talk about:
- Moved to Hiroshima
- In a new relationship
- Working at HS and 6 ES
- Amazing friends
- Moved to Hiroshima
After living in Iwate for 3 years, the big move finally came! Although it was no way in hell a smooth ride! I was panicking because I had waaaay too much stuff to move and not enough time to pack it all up. But then the person who came to check was late by two hours! Then the car broke down near Sendai, so we had to travel the rest of the way to Hiroshima on the Shinkansen. Which was all ok, but it was all on my 30th Birthday.. yaaay -___-
But after a week of training in Okayama, I finally moved into my new apartment. It’s great, about the same size as my previous apartment. The only downside is that I am now without a car! I got rid of it because it would be too expensive to repair. However, My Father and I had to travel all the way back to Sendai, pay to get remove my additional paid parts and then travel all the way back with two suitcases of whatever we could pack from a tightly packed car T__T
It was a good thing that if didn’t take long with my parents help to unpack everything and settle it. It was also lucky that my friend had a washing machine and fridge freezer going spare, so I took it off her hands.
- New Relationship
Well, I won’t go into detail with this because we like our privacy. But I met someone and we have now been dating for over 3 months now (almost 100 days!). It is still strange to be in a relationship and be in Japan. But I am happy and that is what matters.
- Working in HS and ES
One thing about the move is that my role here is very different to before. I teach at one HS (High School) three days a week. My workload has drastically changed. Instead of having the teachers telling me what lessons I should be teaching each week. The roles are reversed. I tell the teachers what lesson I will be teaching. I was very nervous at first with all the weight on my shoulders. But I have settled into it and I love it. I don’t have to deal with grammar translation but instead focus more on the communicative activities for my lessons.
In addition, I now teach at 6 ES (Elementary Schools). All the schools are in a weekly rotation so it’s a nice change to end the week. I was nervous about the new challenge, but now I really enjoy it. Of course I get a little nervous teaching infront a whole room of students after only being told what the JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) wants me to do 30 minutes before the lesson. But the students are so energetic and open to learning English, it’s a nice change LOL!
- Amazing friends
Now this is the real reason for posting. I would be so lost if it wasn’t for my amazing friends Nathalie, Kelly, Hoiming and Lu! These 5 amazing women have been so supportive over the past 6 months and I do miss their company with crazy nights out and chats! Thank Gawd we have LINE (a messaging app that is popular in Japan)!!!! Just having friends to talk to every day is perfect! I know that recently I don’t get to go out much. Even more so as I recently bought a PS4 and signed up for Netflix. Plus, I spend my weekends with my boyfriend.
Its just great to have friends who understand me and we get along so well! Plus we even have amazing conversations. And this is the reason for the up-date. Just to prove how amazing well we get along!!
Me: I glad we all still talk. I would totally be totally lost.
N: Me too… Seriously you ladies are one of the best things that have happened to me EVER. Heart
Me: Yup yup
N: I feel bad because I post often but I’m not kidding when I say it helps to talk with you lovely ladies.
H: Sent a sticker
Me: Dont feel bad. I feel bad for not posting much.
H: Imagine that as group hug
N: I think we would huddle together like that too. lol
H: and that’s the beauty of LINE – we catch up at our convenience
Me: Thats true
N: Very true.
N: So nice.
Me: And leave lots of messages for Peter and Noodles to read
N: I’m pretty sure this is like a woman’s talk show and we give insight into the female mind.
Me: Or a free novel to read with multiple characters
Me: Minus a few dragons, witches, ghosts, etc
N: Wait, EXs are kind of like ghosts
N: And problems are kind of like Dragons
N: And bitches be witches
Me: Bitches be zombies
N: Shotgun targets
Me: They die but still come back uglier than before
N: Yes yes
N: Sent a sticker
Me: Exs be vampires.. they suck the life out of you
N: But vampires can be cool…
N: How about poltergeists?
Me: Or a shapeshifter
N: Using their knowledge to get to you… And having ugly skin shedding abilities.
N: Yup sounds about right
Me: And easily change to a different person
N: “I’ve changed now! I’m a new man!” (=___=;;;)
N: That works
Me: Totally works
Me: Old best friends are like witches… once they gain power or what they want, they leave you or use you.
N: Oh. MY. GAWD. It’s too perfect!
N: Sent a sticker
N: That’s EXACTLY how I would describe it!!!
Me: A poltergeist is more like that stalker/groupie. Looking for your attention. To be noticed.
N: Creepers be creeping
N: We seriously need to write some of the stuff we come up with down. Lol
Me: Or achive the chat lol. Send it to an email address and save the copy lol
One of the best conversations to have. Even if it was influenced by Supernatural ROFL. It still totally works, right?!?!
Its the start of 2016 and the end of 2015!!
Well I’ve had my fair share of okay New Year Eve’s and 2015 happened to be the worst of them all. It was going really well. I was having a wonderful time with my best friends in Osaka.As we all had decided to spend New Years together and spend a few days before hand, going to USJ and shopping in Shinsaibashi. Yet just before going shopping on New Year’s Eve, I get a message from the guy I like telling me we can’t meet up and that he doesn’t want any thing more. So basically I got rejected. The day before I arrive in Kyushu for me weeks holiday here. So basically its become a wasted trip where I had booked hotels and flights so I couldn’t just give up and return to Tohoku. I got so pissed off at myself more than him. I can’t believe I allowed myself to think that I would actually talk about possible starting something. I am not going to change my mind to transferring to Kyushu. There are more better opportunities to meet people here. I have seen a lot of Korean people in Fukuoka City, so I might be able to improve my Korean and Japanese at the same time. Its just his timing totally sucked. No, sod that, it FUCKING SUCKED!!!!!!! I was on the train and almost burst into tears because I can’t believe people actually do that.
I am just glad I was with my best friends at the time. Because they have been wonderful and cheered me up with some shopping. Even though I was very good and I didn’t actually buy much because all the hotels and shinkansen’s are costing a fair amount. I proud of myself for not going crazy but I hope I will be okay for the rest of the month (>.<)
I know life goes on and I know that nothing is going to go to the way I want it to. So I am just gonna accept what happened and do things differently in 2016. I plan to move after my 30th Birthday. So I have the new experience to look forward to. I have got to plan a lot for that as I will have to drive across the country to get there. But it will do me good to get into new surroundings and try many new things. As much as I like my schools in Kuji. So far, that is all that is keeping me there. I am very happy to have taught one year group for all of their High School Life and I hope they don’t forget me. But its time for me to move on and move away from the long winters. I am not good with the cold. So I hope moving to a warmer climate will suit me better.
So here’s to the New Year! New Experiences! and to New Friends!!
皆さん、明けましておめでとうございます！！今年はどうぞよろしくお願いします m(_ _)m
I keep seeing a lot on Facebook that a lot of people are getting married and I kind of feel a little left behind. But then I remember a few things.
It’s not that I am being left behind, but I am happy going at my own pace and right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I am excited about what is to come. It may not be that much to some people, but finding someone with the same interests as you is very hard and even more so that you get along well with many things in common. So I want to make sure that I don’t ruin anything and I hope that the feelings are mutual before I say anything. There is no point rushing anything until you know for sure. I want to just go with the natural flow of things. If I force anything it could totally backfire or it could be the right nudge it needs to start something great. I honestly can’t really tell how things are going to go. Yet, that doesn’t mean I am going to expect someone to date with marriage in mind. I always grew up thinking I would never marry and I was happy with it. In fact, it’s not really an important thing to me. If it happens, it happens. I am happy with things right now. I am more excited with where things are going in the next year or so.
Now, I might be too cautious to some people. But I have my reasons and I don’t want to make the same mistakes as I have done in the past. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and the situation right now is perfect for me. So I just need to remember that and carry on with MY LIFE.
Also, it doesn’t matter that I’m not near that stage, I am building a stable life where I enjoy the job I have teaching great students who interact with me and make each day unpredictable. I might be making a huge step in March but as I get closer to being 30 years old, I am no longer nervous about taking it and I look forward to new situations and opportunities it will bring. So where I am now is a very good place for me and that is what matters.
This doesn’t mean that I want everyone asking me questions about my personal life or ask if I met someone. Only those close to me know and they support me with my decisions. I want people to accept that I want some privacy about somethings because it isn’t only about me. It’s about those I love and cherish as well.