Destructive personality

Recently, there have  been instances where it has came to my attention that maybe I am not the type of person who I thought I was. I always thought that if I helped out my friends everything would be great. I never asked for anything in return except for their happiness in life. I am happy with dealing with my own problems and working through them myself, so I was never a burden to anyone. I never wanted others to be worried about me or feel sad because of me. I have managed to do well on my own this far. Hiding my pain was something I tried so hard to do and I did pretty well at it. Just locking myself in my room and dealing with it in my own was fine and I wouldn’t ask for anything else.

Yet, when I was dating my Ex, he really pushed me overboard. I suppose I’ve never really talked much about things or about anything that bothered personally till him. I really tried my best to just lock my problems in myself and not have anyone poke at them and make it worse. Yet that was all he did. He would try to blackmail me into telling him my past. In telling him what had been apparently bugging me for a while. He literally toyed with my emotions for the whole evening and night. He would sit there and watch me cry my heart out as I just wanted to be left alone. I suppose it was his way of torturing me till he got what he wanted.

Of course, he did in the end in the early hours of the morning. I cried so much that I really did want to run away from him. I don’t even know why I didn’t. But I just stayed there and cried as all he said “you need to deal with it”. He wasn’t comforting at all. He didn’t even seem to notice what it was doing to me at all. He only seemed to care about himself that he way of doing things was the right and only way. From that moment on, he would still bring up that night to blackmail into staying. It wasn’t till he dumped me that I felt free, free from the troubled times where I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn’t things any more.

I guess this is one of the biggest reasons why I shut myself away when people ask me whats wrong or even try to compliment me. Its a major trust issue that I’m reluctent to over come. I never want to feel that way again but I can’t be sure that it won’t either. There is never a sure way things will be ok anyway even as this experience hovers over my head. I still feel that my problems are either too minute to worry about or that will turn people against me. There is no way I can tell and I don’t think I can ever bring myself to even pluck up the courage to do so. As much as I want to help other’s, it seems that when people get close to me, they end up hurting.

Is my personality really that distructive that even though people really care about me, they still get hurt because of me. Maybe a life of solitude is something that I am destined to have. To live away from people so they don’t get hurt but really get the thing I’ve tried to hard to do but not letting them get to know me. If people only get hurt then why should I let them get to know me? Why?

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