Hard times

Recently, things have been a little hectic with so much going on recently. Maybe I am trying to juggle too much in one go but I really don’t know how else to do it. I’ve had work pick up again and I’ve been called in for shifts most of the week, but there is only so much running around being a servant for people who are more experienced. I am a dancer/Choreographer not a waitress. My whole life has been about dancing and to really perform ballet and contemporary. Yet I haven’t done that in almost a year and I don’t know where else to go to make sure I don’t loose my youthful enthusiasm of dancing. I would really love to do hold certain classes to get people to come. Its just getting the time and travel arrangements sorted.

So while I miss dancing so much and not having any classes for people like me, but I am trying to find time to study to be a web designer while dealing with a job I don’t like doing till I can hand in my notice and get a 9-5 job as a web designer. Its just there isn’t much time in the day to do studying, working and putting the skills to some practice.

I know I told my partner that when I move in with him, I will be saying good bye to my dancing career, which I will probably regret but dancing doesn’t hold a stable income to put enough food on the table day after day. Especially, as a choreographer, its even harder to try to find space to choreograph and then find venues that will let you perform there.

I am torn between two sides, one side is where I get a stable career that will help bring food and a place to live or sit around wondering what to do but not really moving any where because your too scared of drowning. I am still confused and I keep getting confused too easily. Even my partner keeps bringing up things that really hit home and I just end up going quiet because I don’t know how to act or reply. Its either sit there and acknowledge that my partner thinks I should get stronger but experiencing the toughness of life. Which I don’t think I can do, I am someone that has a lot of habbits with worrying being one of them and I don’t know what really to do because I don’t want to offend him but how can I just drop being in an almost stable part of life when I move out of my parents and start earning my own money.

To dropping everything just so I can experience what life is like the way he has experienced life. I do love him but asking to just drop everything so I can learn to have a carefree life where money isn’t important as long as you have a loved on, is something I can’t comprehend in my mind. All I see is myself going crazy with worrying and ending up in a mental institution. I have always worried about many things in life. Its just something that do and if I don’t worry then things just won’t work out. If I can’t worry and bring things to my attention then how I am going to be on top of things and know what is going and what isn’t going on because I have a carefree attitude where I don’t know if I am coming or going.

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