I’m on the Outside

Staind – Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I’m the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I’ve been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can’t take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22″ monitor, Wii, TV, DVD’s, CD’s and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don’t want to live in because of major insecurities.

I’ve had so many thoughts come into my head and I’ve come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I’ve thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won’t get into the UK. He hasn’t even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn’t treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can’t help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn’t even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don’t want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

One thought on “I’m on the Outside”

  1. Hun you know what I’ve been saying from the beginning. i never said anything with a bias in mind against him but I’ve always honestly felt that in a relationship it takes two people putting in effort and it takes compromises. forgive me if I’ve ever been wrong but from everything i could tell you are the only one putting effort into the relationship and compromising, while he reaps the benefits =(

    I’d like to see things work out and you being happy, but I never saw that happening because i felt at the start that he would expect you to do as he wanted. I’ve seen no effort at all on his part, but i guess that’s because I only really pay attention to you, so I apologize if I’m wrong.

    I just want to see you happy regardless


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