So many things have been playing around in my mind recently. It almost feels like torture really. I really am the kind of person who will beat themselves up about something. So, in a way, I kind of inflict this pain on myself. I really am starting to feel useless. Any thing I try to do, and I mess it up.
These past four months really feel like an eternity. After ending a relationship with someone who really loved me, but because of the distance I felt so lonely and pressured. I started to doubt things, but the more I doubted, the more secluded I became. I really love him and he was the first person to really accept me for who I was. But I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I know that I should have just spoke about things with him. But I didn’t know how. Its hard to tell someone you love that there isn’t a way for us to live together as we both feel that we can’t live in each other’s countries. I wish there was another way, but what does is done. I just feel so ashamed to being who I am and how I felt.
I’m twenty-five years old, yet I really don’t think I will ever say that I’m a place in my life where I want to be. I know where I would like to be, but I just don’t think anything will happen the way I want it to. I’ve been through so many stages in my life where I tried something different, but it didn’t work out. Even now, I’m working towards hopefully getting a place in the JET Programme. Yet I keep doubting myself because I don’t think I’m good enough to apply. I’ve tried to tell myself that I might as well try to apply, otherwise I’m going to regret it. I would really love to go to Japan and above all, help teach English and possibly dance too.
However, in the back of my mind I feel like even though I will apply, nothings going to happen and I’m going to get rejected. I know I shouldn’t think that way. I just can’t help it. I should have more confidence with things like this but I just can’t help it.
I just want to do something in my life that I can be really happy about. I’m happy that I went to University and graduated. But I want to do something to show what I learnt back then. I really don’t want it to go to waste. But at the moment….. that’s exactly what I feel like. I graduated four year’s ago, yet I’ve done nothing to show what I did. Even though I don’t really know how going to Japan is going to help really. I just feel that if I’m in Japan that I can experience something completely different and be given a new lease of life. I can try different things and be glad that I tried them. At the moment, I feel like I’ve fallen into this routine where I’m doing the same things day-in-day-out and its not getting me any where.
Maybe I’m just subconsciously restricting myself because I’ve been living in this house for far too long and there isn’t anything new for me to experience. I really need to get out.
I just want something to work out, and work out properly!! Is that really too much to ask for?