I know I have been really bad for not posting on this site for a really time. But that is about to change. Things have been rather challenging over this year. There many been things that have been playing on mind and have kept inside for far too long. I remember the time when I was going through therapy… and its something that I always tell my friends, and thats is to never keep things inside. Venting out your thoughts is a rather helpful thing to do, so here I go.
Self-esteem and anxiety
These are things I have always have problems dealing with. I know I am not the prettiest person out there, I know that I constantly worry about how other see me. It was difficult to deal with this during university. I went as far limiting how much I ate to be able to fit into the dancers stereotype. Yet, never really achieving it because of my body shape. Then constantly wearing black to help me appear slimmer etc.
Recently, I have neglected every form of exercise. Yes, I walk 10 minutes to the nearest bus stop or train station 5 days a week, then walk around my work place. But I haven’t done any cardio exercise in well over a year. I tried to do Yoga/Pilates before the summer, but I just stopped.
They say “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”, I have no idea if that is true or not. I always imagined that I could never love myself as much as I should, my anxiety and paranoia always get in the way.
But is that just me making an excuse?
Do I really hate myself that much that I don’t do anything about it?
Have I found a perfect place to hide in a game character, where no-one know whats I really look like, so I don’t have to worry about my image?
Or is it because I am constantly battered with the image of the perfectly slim Japanese girl who has beautiful long black hair,slim body, the perfect thigh gap and soft skin, that I know I can never match up to this image and felt even worse about myself because I know I will never fit into that image, so I gave up even trying?
All of the above are huge factors in how I see things. I probably just never admitted to them. Everyone finds an easy escape where they can blame other things. Its just I want to change my perspective on it all. They can be seen as being negative, so now to turn them into positive forms of motivation. This might a slow process, but even a small step can go a long way.
Building relationships has always proven difficult for me.
- After never growing close to my older sibling and have difficulties during my early childhood.
- Having a close best friend only use me whenever is convenient for her.
- Dating a mentally-abusive boyfriend.
- Falling for someone who lives in another country and never actually take a step further because it couldn’t go as planned.
- As well as always feeling like an outcast in my social circles.
There have been many things that have always kept me back. I know having issues in building relationships is very difficult. However, if there is one thing that I have done right, on a personal level, it’s moving to Japan. I have made more friends in this country that share more common interests than I ever did in the UK.
The Fresh Start
Within the first year of moving to this country, I found a huge group of people I could connect with. Be it about anime, drama’s actors, Japanese Pop bands etc. I finally found more people who understood what I was talking about and could do for hours. It felt freeing to be able to be myself around them all. I have been able to meet amazing people here who have helped me so much. Even in my line of work, being able to speak with so many people has helped me come out of my shell a little.
However, if there is one thing that has suffered while I have been here, its finding a boyfriend. I met someone but they weren’t right for me. I managed to find another mentally-abusive partner. That ended over a year ago now. But I have since been plagued with memories of a previous partner. One that was over many years ago and the main reason I took a chance on moving to Japan to start a new life. Its just hard for me to find someone new in a country where most people my age are happily married with children. I do wonder if I will ever find someone who I feel so comfortable with again. Its just feels like that is going to be a long wait.
You would think that living in a country where they are so slim, I would be influenced by their diet and start to eat healthily. Its just not the case. Instead, I having to slip into bad habits. It doesn’t help with my current work hours. By the time I get home, I don’t feel up to cooking a meal for one, so I tend to make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal instead. I totally lack the energy to cook. If it something like a bowl of ramen, then I would rather have that then try to make a healthy balanced dish.
Gaming too much also plays a huge part in not wanting to cook much. I know I need to limit how much time I spend gaming, but its cheaper than going out spending a lot of money on drinks and restaurant food. Also, I am not really one for going to restaurants on my own to eat a meal. Even though its not a bad thing in this country. I have seen many people eating alone. Its just that to me, its more of a social event.
The main reason for all of this, is not only to vent my inner thoughts but to be a stepping stone to push into doing things different from on. I want to spend time adjusting my current lifestyle. By posting updates and how things are going, to reflect, and to see what I can do next. Somethings are better not kept inside, but shared. So let’s begin!
12th November 2018 Goals
- Smile at yourself in the mirror: People say that self-motivation is very helpful in starting to love yourself.
- Do yoga/pilates a little when I get home from work: even if just the sun salutation, a little can go a long way.
- Every time I think about the past, think about one good thing in your life right now: there is no point in dwelling on the past!
- Go out a little more: especially with Christmas drawing ever closer, go out looking for gifts for friends.
- Make more of your own meals: I know towards the end of the month, the budget can be tight, but if I have a of veg in, it can last a while.