I have my PSP back!

Well after not having a PSP for almost a month because I bricked it.. just by changing the skin. I finally hacked it again using Pandora magic stick and soft hacking the battery to get it work again. But at least it is back up and running and I get back to play Disgaea. Which I am only level 25 after playing 60 hours… I am a total noob what can I say.

Well at least now I have something to take me away from the computer for a while rather than sitting my desk chair all day.

Why is it?

Why is it that when people say “You can talk to me any time you want”. Yet when you want to talk them about something that is really getting you down, you can’t find them. Its either that or if they are around, you can’t feel like you can talk to them. For me, it is either because I don’t want to alter their mood or it is because I don’t know how to really word what I am really feeling. I can’t explain things well and I really do try to keep it simple but when I do that, it still won’t make any difference. I can pour my heart out only for someone to just say “its ok”. I mean come one, I’ve actually opened up to you and all you can say is “its ok”. Its obvious not ok if I am sat here, almost crying my eyes out and asking for help.

It would really be nice for once, for someone to not just say those two words, but to carry on with the bloody sentence. If someone is asking for help, then for goodness sake, give it to them and really be supportive.

I’ve tried countless times to go to someone for help. Which is rather rare for me. So for me to ask someone to listen to me, is a big thing yet when I do, all I seem to do is just talk about things. I hardly get advise or even good advise. I am just left there hanging on by a thread till it just breaks and I am left on the ground in pieces.

Forward planning – A Wedding in the making

Today has actually been a really cool, one that has cheered me up after almost two weeks of being down.But today felt like a new start. I know I might have been a pain to some people I know and they might have worried about me. But really what it really came down to, was me needing to really rely on my partner as well as doing something different to boost my confidence.

Look at today, I had my hair cut and after I had it cut, I was really pleased. It was something that can only be done once in a while and just being able to get it done meant a lot. Ok it was a bit expensive. But seeing as it really cheered me and was something that I needed, it was really worth it. It may not have been a big difference. However, to me, it was something that gave me a confidence boost.

In addition, I was also able to have a really good conversation about my future with my boyfriend. I know that to some it may not be much of a surprise, but after having a really good talk with him, we both decided to say that yes there is a wedding in the making. We have been together for 1 year and 5 months, so naturally, a proposal occurred and ikkle Sazzy here said yes! (without hesitation I might add). I suppose I can’t really call myself “ikkle” any more seeing as I am 22 and getting married. But it really cheered me up when now there is no longer any reason to keep it hidden, well maybe from parents as they haven’t met their soon to be son-in-law. But I don’t mind, I am engaged to someone who loves me so much that I now longer have any reason to hide it.

I am not really one to plan a wedding as I never thought I would be the one getting married. But now that I am, I don’t know where to start. I mean I was thinking having white and gold but that is as far as I have gotten. How does one start to plan a wedding anyway? come on, its something that to me will only happen once and I don’t even know where to begin. It is something that will mean the most to be. Being able to say I love my fiance so much that no matter what happens, I am going to stand by him and get through what ever troubles we have. Even recently, with us having some troubles in our relationship, we are still together and love each other so much. If we can over something like that then we will still be able to tackle any other obstacles life throws at us.

Today, we did talk about the schedule of our wedding, because we are from different countries, we have to accommodate a suitable line up as people have to travel. So we talked about having the wedding over the weekend. Plan it so that it can be done in what four days so people don’t have to miss much of work etc. At least it is a start right?

Well I am sure to keep you up dated with what is going on, but that is if I am able to contain the excitement!

Should I just go?

When ever I get really down and start to worry about the future, I always seem to give people the cold shoulder. Maybe I am better off living alone and just aim to making my friends happy. They are what matters. But when its my boyfriend whom I push away, I start to feel really sick deep down and I just want to die. If I hurt the ones closest to me the most, then what is the point of ever having someone that close to me. I really tried to just pass it off as nothing. But I failed.

Talking about the future and moving away to a place where I don’t have any friends is really hard. Not only that but I am leaving behind my best friend. She has been there for me since the beginning of high school and there is no way I can just leave her after everything she has done for me. I would feel too guilty to do such a thing.

I know things between my boyfriend and I have been rocky because of me being the one who has to move. Even telling him I don’t want to move hasn’t worked. He makes me feel guilty when he then says he misses him. Maybe he does know my weakness all to well (making others happy is all I want to do weakness), and use it to his advantage. Or its most likely that I am really never going to be girlfriend material and I deserve to feel pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness so I can be an example of what people shouldn’t become.

Even when my boyfriend tries to get me to talk, I shut down and just try to get him to forget about it. He says he loves me, but what if deep down he can’t take it any more. Then I suppose I really have become the person who I always thought I would be. A Lonely depressive person who can’t keep hold of anything good because her depression and paranoia get in the way.

I think it would be best that I leave everyone alone for a few weeks or something, till they have forgotten about me and have moved on. I am sure no one wants a depressive friend or girlfriend.

Dishearting thoughts

I don’t know why but at night, it seems to be the time where I get most depressed. I start to feel lonely more and dwell on what could be happening rather than just remembering that I am alone. With only my family and one best friend near by. There is no boyfriend near by, just 7 hours away. But it really is taking its toll.

I love my boyfriend so very much, its just telling him I don’t want to move my home town is just going to be hard to get used to. So I think I am stalling so I can enjoy where I live more and appreciate it for the beauty that is England, my home. I know its only 7 hours away, but its still far enough to really miss home and to never really get back home easily because its NY. How far away from home can you get? I really want to openly say to him that I don’t want to move. But it puts too much pressure on him to move here instead and he is barely making money as it is. To earn enough money to buy a ticket to England.

I am sure he is probably earning more money than me at the moment. With me not having any shifts at work for a month. Its just a useless job and I don’t really want to leave it yet in case I do get work and I can then earn some money as I study for my web design position.  But I know I have to do what I have to do.

I suppose its just me being strange and I should really focus on my list first and sort them out one by one.

Life’s Mysteries

Well seeing as I tend to spend most of my time on the computer, I thought it would be nice for a change to start properly blogging again. So hopefully I will remember to keep posting here every so often. As well as helping me with my grammar more, as I do have a tendency to not only misspell but to not use the correct grammar too.

Well after having a bit of a down time last night, with things still not being dealt with. But once I take of them one bit at a time, then it should all work out better than it has been now. Of course, I can’t deal with everything related to; my relationship, finding work, studying web design, dealing with family life, and trying to move out all in one go. I should really make a list of all the things I really need to deal with. Like a task list just so I can sort them out. Then by a goal date, I should have done it all on the list.

Now that would be a really smart move really. I should do that now.. here….

Sazzy’s Task List No 1

  1. Talk with bf about plans for the future, including; worries about where to live, How to get all the money needed, Travel costs to get there, suitable job plans before leaving current address, and queries about visa’s etc.
  2. Decide on dates to move out. When would be it appropriate to move in with my best mate, and how to get my stuff into the new apartment.
  3. Studying time troubles; Arrange a schedule to sort out times to study and times to have breaks. This course needs to be done soon/quickly in order to get a well paid 9-5 job.
  4. Family Issues at home; Really need to sort out of its good to talk about all the problems considering my family or just to let them rest for a while.
  5. Find work; well I know I can’t really think this through till I finish the course, but getting some extra money in the mean time will help smooth moving out easier.

Well I will get back to the list soon 😉

Quitting is all I do

well I have been realizing that my life has always had difficulties. I suppose I didn’t really give it much thought as I’ve had many other things to think about. maybe that is just my thing.

“Someone who always does something else when things get though”

I always know when I am about to fail so I don’t feel like there is a point to carrying on with what I was doing. It might sound like a really stupid thing to do, but this is me, I don’t do things right sometimes. Its just things this week, have not really been the best they could be. I’ve been having a lot on my mind and never really sorted them out right.

Anyway, most of the things that have been on my mind, are yet again about self reflection. I’ve been talking to Eddie about it and I admit, its still bugging me a little. I suppose its like a fault with myself that I hate but don’t really know if I can change it or even try to change it. Its like no matter what I to do to change it, it still doesn’t work. I always hit a dead end and that is where I stay.

I’ve always wondered around aimlessly in hope that something comes along and helps change things. Finally when Eddie came into my life it changed. But it only changed most of the things. The things that didn’t change are always there to haunt me. I can’t get rid of them no matter how hard I try. I don’t know what really to do with myself when those small things take over and leave me even more stranded then I was before.

Yeah I can deal with some things but there is only so much I can take because I complete crack, and its happened before so there is nothing stopping it from happening again. I’ve always seemed to fall apart on occasion and the more it happens, the more I can’t prevent it from happening because I’ve run out of options. Things just always have a way of getting to me and making me feel like shit all the time.

Think you understand me?

I always wondered why I say I understand things when I really I don’t. I mean its like I view myself saying something from a third person perspective. Most of the time I even wonder what I am doing as most things just don’t make sense. Of course I can say one thing when really its not what I am really thinking or feeling. Like say one thing but really you mean another. I think its called sub context or a riddle.

Like when I say I am a bit better could be a lie and really I am still crying after an hour of talking because the talking might not be enough. Or saying saying nothing is bothering when really something is eating away at me from the inside and I don’t know what to do about it. I am someone who wants others to be happy so to do that I cover up how I really feel so they won’t suspect anything and effect how they are feeling. Now for some, they might see its just a charade and try to get me to open up but really I know there is more to it but I never want to talk about things. Yes to say “Sazzy you should bottle it all up” or “Sazzy you should really talk about it” because really that will mostly go in one ear and out the other. I’ve heard that phrase so many times then I just don’t listen to it. I have my own way of dealing with my problems and so far, for the past 22 years its done well so far. Of course people still ask, why are you so negative. But there is a good reason and the list time I told someone about that reason they used it against me and treated me like shit that made me cry every day for 9 months.

Yeah I am stupid and not really one to talk about dealing with things but I won’t ever change what I do because last time I changed something small about me, that shit happened. So I refuse to let history repeat itself. Ok I’ve opened up to Eddie a bit more but even now I don’t know how long I can last before I start cracking from the pressure of others trying to get me to talk too. I break under pressure so much but I just hide it by appearing like a zombie and wonder around in a daze. I can’t even think what it is like to sort things out head on because I am too much of a coward to face up to things. As Ed put it…

[quote][00:59] solking429: I jsut wish you would open up instead of push me away
[01:00] solking429: say something then think the worst and run away[/quote]

Why would some one say that and not just walk away from the problematic person? Why stand by someone who causes so much pain? Surly the bad out weighs the good so why stay? I am only a defenseless old cow, who doesn’t value her own life above others. Who tries not to appear selfish but fails.

I for instance. Just saying I would commit suicide then live a lonely life had Eddie and Fireandice try to talk me out of it. If I really do cause a lot of trouble then why still want me to live if I feel I can’t live alone? Yes I will go to hell for committing suicide but aren’t I already going there? I felt alone so many times so to lose the one love of my life just won’t make life worth living in my eyes.

Yes I am a negative person so don’t try and change me or you will end up loosing me as a friend.

Does it really matter?

Well I’ve been wondering if it is even worth me moving out my parents house and find a 9-5 job. I mean if its going to be cancelled for when I move, is there really a point. I really love my independence and I don’t like to burden anyone but if I do try this, will it be worth it all as it will only be chucked away?

I know that I need to get out of this house. But I just wonder if anything I plan to do is really worth it. I really would like to set up my dance classes and help teach contemporary and I might get more teaching opportunities too in Autumn. But if I am moving, it won’t make a difference. My aim of a dance class is to improve stamina and to widen ones dance vocabulary. I can’t do all that in one session. I want it to last for as long as possible and work in dancing. But when I move, its a different story.

see when I do move, I will letting dancing go, as it is going to bring in enough money in the way I want. America already has established contemporary companies so there won’t be anything different that I can bring. So I am going to forget about doing dance and just focus on getting a job that will help bring in money instead. As I doubt that any form of dancing will get enough money into the bank.

Crapy Crap crap

[color=#80a0ff]Well If you couldn’t tell, I’ve not really been the Happy Cheerful Sazzy since last week. Too much crap is coming at me in one go. So my week has been a very depressing one to say the least I think. But not self-harming occurred if people start to wonder.

Well I am finally moving out of my parents house on 30th March, or just before then maybe. To go live on a haunted lane, how cool does that sound. But really it doesn’t seem haunted at all, it just scares my best friend a little I suppose. But if it means more independence then its better and not having anyone moan at me, but let me do what I want.

Then there is the fact of me being scared to move to America. I dunno why but I get really upset about it when I think about it. Its going to be really tough and I know I am not that strong so I feel like I might crack. Hopefully I won’t but there is a possibility. I dunno, its just a bit thing to do and I am scared shitless about it. [/color]


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