Reflection


Recently, I have been spending a lot of late nights (when I am trying to get to sleep esepcially) reflecting back on my life… so be prepared for a lot negative and some positive thoughts!

I can honestly say that I have had some grave mistakes in the past. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed and I tried to learn from mistakes, most I feel I did learn from.

One of my biggest mistakes has to do with past relationships. While I am totally oblivious to peoplr trying to flirt with me. I have trouble with talking about my problems. Thus shortening the length of relationships. I was always one who would be in her room as a child. I was really hiding from my older brother. But because I felt that no-one really understood me well in my family, I couldn’t easily talk about things. I am more of a suffer in silence type. The only way I felt I could deal with things is with writing a journal to just write out my thoughts, which has evolved into this blog lol.

Yet, its not just because it is hard to talk, but I also don’t like to impose on others. Everyone has their own problems, so why should I add to it and give them more things to stress about?? I want others to be happy, I don’t want to ruin their mood. I value others more than myself.

However, when it comes to relationships, I can date guys who are totally bad for me. Especally like someone who was mentally ill. I stuck in that relationship for a while. I went through a lot because of him and many people told me to leave him because he was treating me badly, but its never that easy. But it did end and then stuff got easy. I knew what I didn’t want to happen again.

But going through all of that brough me to realise that I had great friends, in real life and on-line. My online friends were supportive and understood what I went through. Some friends who were with me all the way through the relationship gave me so much  strength.

One friend in particular listened and showed great support but as he was someone who Iiked before thehorrible relationship, things progressed. Now this is not a mistake. It wasthe best relationship I have ever had. He showed me what it was like to enjoy life, to be happy about myself and he was someone I could talk to about anything. I told him things I have never told anyone and he didn’t run away. We really were perfect. The only mistake I made was being stubborn and not wanting to move to America. Even though we were perfect, we lived in different countries. We talked everyday, but we could only see each other by having to fly to New York. We lasted 4 years together and I was devistated that it ended so quickly. But again, it was my mistake.

Thus this brought me onto a new life changing decision….

To move to Japan to work as an English teacher. It was time to test if I could move to a different country. I had originally plannef to stayfor one year and then see what I should do afterwards. Little did I know that it was the best decision I ever made. I now had the freedom to live a life I want to, without having to report to my parents. I could make new friends who didn’t know my history. It was a fresh new start. It was I needed to be completely independant and challenge myself.

Although, it came at a heavy cost of leaving my best friend with her new baby (but she is not a baby any more). She was very supportive and I am sure my decision shocked her. But I was a mess and I needed something to open my eyes and help me to feel happy with myself. My life after the break-up was terrible, so terrible I sought help to help me get back on track. Life sure has thrown some crap my way. But I needed to move away from all of the reminders. I needed that clean slate.

Yet, 5 years later, I am still here in Japan. I have made some great friends who have been so amazing and as we are in the same boat, we can talk a lot about problems. And there have been times where the loneliness has kicked back in, but there were people who helped me. And if I hadn’t made this decision to move here, I would not have met my very close friend Lu who has been brave enough to go adventures with me around Tokyo and Seoul (and soon adventured in our home country, the Uk!).

Even though I have moved across Japan since I moved here. Still finding someone is a challenge. I am sure its because of the language barrier. I was recently in a relationship but he didn’t like the fact that I started to play games a lot more and after not seeing him for two months, the relationship ended. Not that you can really call it a  relationship, we were two totally different people and we had nothing in common. So it was no surprise that the relationship came to an end.

But I dunno, I guess I am trying to find someone who was like the perfect guy for me…. I do miss him as he gave me a lot of advice. But we have grown far apart and he is now a father with someone else. Our time is over. But that doesnt stop me from thinking ‘what if?’ recently.

I just need to focus on the now for a while and this was the only way I could think of just letting stuff out. My mistakes might not have seemed like a big deal to others, I mean no-one is utterly, completely perfect, we have all made mistakes. I am just trying my best to not make the same mistake twice.

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