Should I just go?

When ever I get really down and start to worry about the future, I always seem to give people the cold shoulder. Maybe I am better off living alone and just aim to making my friends happy. They are what matters. But when its my boyfriend whom I push away, I start to feel really sick deep down and I just want to die. If I hurt the ones closest to me the most, then what is the point of ever having someone that close to me. I really tried to just pass it off as nothing. But I failed.

Talking about the future and moving away to a place where I don’t have any friends is really hard. Not only that but I am leaving behind my best friend. She has been there for me since the beginning of high school and there is no way I can just leave her after everything she has done for me. I would feel too guilty to do such a thing.

I know things between my boyfriend and I have been rocky because of me being the one who has to move. Even telling him I don’t want to move hasn’t worked. He makes me feel guilty when he then says he misses him. Maybe he does know my weakness all to well (making others happy is all I want to do weakness), and use it to his advantage. Or its most likely that I am really never going to be girlfriend material and I deserve to feel pain, sorrow, grief, loneliness so I can be an example of what people shouldn’t become.

Even when my boyfriend tries to get me to talk, I shut down and just try to get him to forget about it. He says he loves me, but what if deep down he can’t take it any more. Then I suppose I really have become the person who I always thought I would be. A Lonely depressive person who can’t keep hold of anything good because her depression and paranoia get in the way.

I think it would be best that I leave everyone alone for a few weeks or something, till they have forgotten about me and have moved on. I am sure no one wants a depressive friend or girlfriend.

One thought on “Should I just go?”

  1. hey hun, that kind of thinking will make you into exactly what i am, a lonely depressive person that “knows” he will always be alone.

    you are definitely girlfriend material, but i cant help but think that there is a conflict here, of what is supposed to be and what is wanted to be.

    in any case one thing i never understood was; why you had to be the one to move? its would be just as hard for you to get the money to move here as for him to move there. its just as hard for you to leave family as it would be for him to leave his family. it is just as hard for you to start in a new place knowing virtually no-one as it would be for him…….

    so what is it that tips the scale into you being the one to move? it confuses me. why do you always get the load and the guilt? why doesn’t he accept some of the burden? if this was meant to be then the proper sacrifices would be made…..on both sides, not just you giving up everything and putting forth all the work and letting him reap the benefits.

    i am really really sorry if this sound callous but as a third party looking in that is how it looks to me, and if you talked to your best friend i think she would probably agree to some if not most of what i said.

    all i want is for MY friend Sarah to be happy, not so beaten up and conflicted.

    i so want to give you the biggest hug right now till you beat me off with a rubber chicken πŸ˜›

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