Tag Archives: Emotions

The things I’ve learnt

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. Well, trying to at least. It tends to get really complicated and it all gets confusing. So here are the things that I’ve learnt.

First of all, Life is never going to be easy. Nothing will pan out EXACTLY how you want it to. Because you can’t consider everything clearly on the spot. There is always going to parts that we don’t think about it. Its not like we are super human and read all the different outcomes of one decision. As much as I wish I could see how things turn out or learn more about a situation, then that will definitely help me. But sadly that is not the case T__T

Second, If you are a foreigner in Japan and came for the possibly trying to settle down here… yeah, I am giving up on that right now. Most Japanese guys are interested in sleeping with a foreigner as some kind of trophy and never think that those who actually stay in Japan for longer than a holiday and the ones who are not those kinds girls. So guys should just stop even trying. It kind of makes me not want to be sociable here in Japan. Because I’m going to see at that horrible kind of prize. I am sure there are some guys who would like to be in a relationship where they want to settle down with a foreigner. But its even harder to find such a guy where I live. Sorry to say it.
(This is more of a reminder to myself than anything, I’ve just had horrible experiences with guys here so far, it could change in the future. But it most likely won’t).

Third, I really need to decide on how long I stay in this country. There have more moments than I like, where I do feel alone and like an outcast. But that is not just in the staff room at my schools. During my first year it was a lot better because I had a friend who I met up with a lot as we both arrived in Japan together. But since they left, no one has filled in the gap and I am at a lose at what to do. Now, I have been visiting friends in other cities and they have been a great help. Its just there are now some other factors creeping in where I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide away.

Recently, I was asked if I could do more English lessons at my second job. Now I was very reluctant to say yes. I was basically asked if I could 6 days of the week. No offence, I love helping people learn English and have English conversations with them. . I was then told that it would move to Thursday’s so I would then get the weekend off to help plan for Monday’s lessons. This week however, I was asked to continue with the Saturday. Am I really over worrying about this? Because I work at three High Schools, most days I have 3-4 lessons I have to plan the whole lesson and worksheets. For myself, I also add in drawing pictures to help the students learn new words. All of this takes up a lot of my time. Recently I’ve been awake at 1am trying to finish it all and have the alarm sent for 5:40. That’s only a little over four hours sleep. I honestly don’t know how long I am going to last with all of this.  I signed a contract where I told my company that my second job would not interfere with my primary job. I just hope that it doesn’t or I am going to be under so much pressure that I hope I can cope with it all.

Fourth,  I really would like to try living in Korea after my time in this city is up. I really enjoyed my week holiday there during the summer and would like another holiday there to see different aspects that I didn’t get to see the first time. Then I will make the final decision of trying to apply for work there and move there for two years or more. The only uncertainty I have, is that most foreigners who have lived in this city in Japan can stay here for 3 years and then move. This is my second year and I don’t know if I have a longer limitation because I don’t work for the same company. That’s the only annoying this is that, I honestly don’t know how long I can here for. I don’t know if I can ask someone.

If I do get only 3 years, then I will certainly move to Korea in two years time for maybe 2 or 3 years. Before moving back home to England and finally move into my own house which is currently being rented. I just want to experience these two cultures before moving back (or if I go back depending on how things pan out). I feel like I wasted most of my life and wondered around in circles. Even last night I had a dream I was back at my old job and it was yearly review session with the head of my department. When someone I knew came into the room, sat down beside and then elbowed me when I started to agree that I was crap at my job. Instead, he flipped my switch and told my head of department what I really thought and got so angry that I punched them in face because I had enough. After that I woke up. I hope I never have a dream like that again. I want to be in a job that I enjoy and teaching here in Japan is something I enjoy and its a great life experience. I just wish I can make a decision on what the next chapter is going to be and when so I make more concrete plans.

Home made fudge!

FudgeWarning! This is post could get a little depression at some point or another.  So if you don’t want to be influenced by my mood, then stop reading now!

So first all, I made fudge for the first time a few weeks ago!! I really wanted some students to try it as they haven’t had any before and I just wanted to see how it would turn out. The first try was amazing. I made myself so happy that it turned out so well. I then made a bigger batch on my second try to let my students in ESS club and Brass Band Club to try. They really liked it. I just hope I don’t keep making it. There so much sugar that I don’t to have to buy it.

Now lets get this out…

So recently, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are getting engaged this year. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my friends who are and I wish them the best. But really, its reminded me of how I am still single and no where near close to marrying anyone. I don’t think I am even close to anyone to even think about it. I have in the past with my last relationship and it marriage was talked about etc. But as you can see, I’ve not been with anyone since we broke up. Through my own choice and bad luck with guys. So its probably a good thing that I live in a place where most guys don’t talk to you and its harder when you don’t really know the language.

However, I love it here and the fact that I am not rushing anything. I have a lot of work and I volunteer to start and stay late at one school, so my mind is else where. It just gets a little frustrating where I wish I had someone I could talk to when I get home. Someone who wants to be close to me (not a creepy obsessive way!).

I am just letting off steam as its building up for a while now. But I am someone who is after a long term relationship rather than a one night stand, which is not in my nature. I am technically still young, so I am not too worried. Its just once I turn 29, next year… I will start to panic and maybe even think about country I want to really settle down in…..

Some Things Must Come to an End

Donghae & EunhyukI’m having a horrible week and bought this CD to cheer me up. But I really can’t believe that the past year is almost ending. I know some things must come to an end. So my first year Japan is ending and its Graduation for the 3rd High Schools students here. I am very lucky to have been allowed to join the ceremony this year. I didn’t actually ask, I just left a post-it note on MY desk, and the JTE saw it and asked…. I was totally going to ask today as I left the post-it note to remind me to ask. I was saved the trouble I guess.

Its just going to be strange to say goodbye to all the 3rd year students. Although, I only teach two classes out of the three. They are still interesting students who have spoken to me outside of classes and have seemed to have taken an interest in learning English. Even if some don’t like the JTE. I felt accepted by the students because they seemed to talk to me and even though they would sometimes ask non-topic related questions during class, they still eventually did the worksheets I set them.

I know I am never going to forget the students I taught for the first year of teaching. But I also feel a little guilty for getting attached to them. But if I don’t get close to my students, how am I meant to understand them and figure out what works for them when trying to learn what I’m teaching. I guess its just a downside to teaching.

Its been a great year, although with some awkward moments and I hope I don’t get any more horny students making about my body shape. But I think I’ve settled into my role a little more and I can handle the students if it gets out of control.

When I arrived I didn’t know what to expect at my schools, what the teachers were like, if they would accept me and if they would talk to me. One of the best choices I made, was asking to join the Brass Band Club. Though I feel bad for not going as much as I should, but I was in the staff room working on things. So its not like I was missing it for a lame reason such as not really wanting to go. It was the perfect opportunity to get to know more of my students and keep playing the flute.

As much as I would like to have my third year students again for another year, I can’t keep them behind a year. I can only wish them the best and hope they do what they really want to do. I just have to make sure that I don’t start crying when its time to say goodbye to them. Though its going to be hard, as my small class of 9 were amazing students and I got on with them really well.

Its just a little shame that there is going to be more changes than I hope in the future. But I guess its going to be a new challenge and one I will have to face.

Life Goes On

Life Goes OnOkay so this will be the last time I up-date about this sort of thing for a while.

If you follow my facebook then you will already know that I got rejected recently. Well I can’t really blame the guy who is going to marry his fiancé soon. I really do know how to choose them. Anyway, at least I can’t say I tried. But is it bad that rather than hurting from a broken heart, I am numb more than anything?

I guess this is the fourth time in a row where it’s happened, so it’s not really a surprise or anything. Maybe I am just used to it by now. Isn’t there a phrase “Rejection is my only friend”? But isn’t better to have rejection as a friend, than regret? At least I can’t complain that I tried or that I wish I had tried harder. It is strange how things turn out now. But I guess in a way, I am glad it didn’t work out.

If anything, it has opened my eyes that maybe I don’t need to only stay here for four years, like I want to. But I am seriously thinking about working in South Korea too. I could even only stay here in Japan for three years and then maybe two years in Korea or something. I know I am getting close to thirty, and it is my twenty-eighth birthday in exactly one month’s time. So why can’t I explore the world now. Of course I would still love to go to South Korea for a holiday in the summer if I can. I’ve wanted to go there for a while and it is cheaper to fly from Japan than from the UK. At least there is that advantage. I will just have to look further into how about getting a job there. But it is not as if I need to decide soon because I still want to live in Japan longer. I am just thinking about after my job here before going back to England with more life experience and qualifications as a teacher.

In the grander scale of life, I am still really young and it could still just too early for me to settle. Although the peer pressure from other friends who have already got boyfriends and are settling down, it’s still hard to feel out of place. One thing is for sure, I know I am not getting any younger. I just need to live life at my own pace and try to put out the fact, that I am one of the few people who are focused on working (well I should be…) out of my mind.

It’s just a dream as it is to be living in a country I’ve always wanted to visit for years. I have a job here and a very nice apartment. So I just need to worry about that. Plus, since I was a child, I thought I wasn’t cut out for dating and that I would probably end up alone. So why am I disappointed by getting rejected. Okay I admit to being lonely and I’ve been like this for a while. So what is another 5, 10, 20 or so years going to do? At least I get to try and stand on my own two feet in Japan first.

I know I should really focus on learning the language and getting to understand the teachers around me. Maybe I should just try to find some classes first and then work from there. Learning on my own is only helping me in some degree.

I might be getting older, but I just to be confident in myself to not want a want to fill a gap that maybe men cannot fill.

It’s Vast Approaching!

Might be ready...Valentine’s Day is vast approaching. I bought these chocolates for the guy I like today. Although, for a an hour or so I’ve been wondering if I made the right choice. What if he has a nut allergy or something. I don’t want him to end up in hospital or anything.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought so much about Valentine’s day as much as I have this year. I know it might have something to do with being in a different country and going by what they do. But still, even though I dated in the past, I never really gave anyone a present because I wanted to tell them I really like them. I just want things to work out as this has slowly been progressing over 9/10 months.

I think I had another clue this week that he likes me. On Thursday, I decided to wear a hat to work because my ears would still get really cold when standing outside for 35mins to greet the students in the morning. Then one of the Diving teachers said he liked my hat and I had “nice sense”, which I am guessing he meant it looked good. Now the two other teachers were laughing a little at his simple English. Then the embarrassing moment when along comes Mr. Sexy, he says his usually “Goodo Mornigu”. But then he stands still about a meter in front of me, does his smile with a nod. I think I then smile way too much to see him stand still for a moment before he embarrassingly carries on walking into school. But as he walks past the other teachers, the one who said he liked my outfit, I think tries to get him to say the same. Then the other teacher’s join in. It was like they are ganging up on him to say something about how I look. So I nervously look in their direction to see him looking at me. He sadly (yet also cute too) scurries away into the building.

Now I was embarrassed at the time too, but I keep waiting for him to say something. I don’t want to push him, but he really needs to speak up soon! I just hope that these chocolates are the key. I have figured out how to give him the chocolates.. I found that his shoe locker is near mine! Well, thats if I have recognized the Kanji for his name correctly. But that means its easier to slip it in when I have a free lesson on Thursday as I don’t go to the school on a Friday, so he will get the chocolates a day early.

All that is left to do now, is figure out how to write the message. I was thinking something like:

ハッピーバレンタイン!
あなたが、好きです。

That is as far as I get. It looks so lame to write just that. Yet, what else do I say? “彼氏ください。” (Please be my boyfriend)…. Thinking of what to write is almost as bad as what chocolates to get T__T

HELP!!!

Proud Moments

From StudentIts a proud moment yet tearful one when I read this. A student gave me her exchange diary today and she wrote this message inside. I had a very small class of 9 3rd year students studying Oral Communication. But now their final tests have started and I don’t get to teach this amazing little group any more.

This small class was such a joy to teach and I really got to know them. They were the perfect small group of students who interacted, listened and studied very hard. I hope their little project was enjoyable as they learnt about describing a character, while reviewing what they had already learnt but put in a different way and expanded on it.

Compared to when I first started teaching them and starting the exchange diaries, their English has improved so much and so has their pronunciation. I am rather sad to say good bye to my 3rd year students as they welcomed me the most and talked to me a lot during and outside of classes.

Seeing a student write something like this makes me proud and very happy to have come to this country to teach. There may have been times when I confused them why trying my best to explain.

Now I can only wish them the best and hope they don’t forget what they have learnt during my lessons .

All The Best 3A at Taneichi!

Horrible Day


I finally had my first lesson in learning the Koto (Japanese Harp) yesterday with class 1A. I was little nervous as it was my first time learning an instrument in Japan, even more so as the music is in Japanese and in Japanese style. Thank goodness most of the strings are just numbered and don’t have a name. Therefore, it’s a little easier for mean the teacher made a key of all the names, just in case.

It is a very lovely instrument and I can’t wait to have another lesson. I would like to really learn it and then show off to people back home that I have a sixth instrument I can play. I was also asked if I wanted to learn another Japanese instrument and I wasn’t going to turn down such an offer. I might as well learn as much as I can while I am here.

However, today was another matter. It was both horrible and good.

I was unsure on how I would do with my last lesson with my 3K students. This class of boys were the first class I ever taught back in April and I didn’t know what to expect from them. This past year I have seen all my students open up and accept me as their teacher. Even more so to the third year classes. They were a really interesting group and it will be sad to see them leave. But they still haven’t technically finished school. But I wish I could be there for their graduation ceremony. I don’t think I am welcomed though. I know I should asked if I can play but I feel like that would be imposing on them.

Anyway, I was 15 minutes into teacher their lesson. Only to have my JTE, come to the class and ask me to go to 1B instead. This is when I go into panic mode, because I totally didn’t plan their lesson and no extra materials like it said in my SLP. Because I had a new schedule placed on my desk on Monday. And when I asked the JTE  if I have 3K and not 1AB, he said yes. So I was really confused. I had planned a little speech at the end of 3K class as a thank you and good luck. But now I won’t ever get to say it to them (TT__TT)

Okay, so its update time!

Now I haven’t been talking much to the guy I like recently because it’s hard to start a conversation. However, he still does his cute, nervous and shy head nod while smiling. I think he only does it to me… I have not seen him do it to anyone else. So that’s something right?

I am still unsure about it all really. It’s a little strange that he works at the same school I do, but that also makes me wonder if its worth pursuing such a thing. It definitely is a hard to stop going around in circles.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t heard anything from him yet. Maybe writing my email and number in pencil wasn’t a good idea.. or he never opened it because he doesn’t like me the way I think he does. Which is also possible.

Getting this off my chest

 

If  you have spoken to my recently, you would no doubt have noticed that I have been asking advice on how I should take that step closer to the guy I like.

 

Okay, so you are not into the whole silly female romance, then please stop reading now!!

 

Anyway…

 

Since I came to Japan, I have been so confused as to what guys do here if they like someone. I knew guys were confusing, but its so much more the case here in Japan. Guys here are so mysterious and they can still spend time with you when its just two people and still won’t consider it to be a date.

 

when it comes to guys “chatting me up”, I will totally blind and just see it as them making conversation. Yet, when there is a guy I like, I don’t really know what to do.

 

All this time since I came here, there has been a guy who has been very nice and kind to me. Now if I really am reading too much into this, please tell me before I make a fool of myself. But there is a guy who I’ve only just noticed has been taken a slight interest in me. He seems a little shy though and takes a little while to build up the courage to ask me a question, which is so subtle yet cute.

 

He even stands rather close to me if we were alone in some situations. At first, I thought he does that to most people but I think people actually think we are dating already because he stands so close. And he even speaks in English when stands close. Which is the most adorable thing EVER!

 

I guess I didn’t really get the hint that he was interested in me until he asked me what I did to celebrate Halloween. I told him that I stayed at home, watched a movie and went to sleep alone. He said he went to sleep alone too. I think that was the first time if kind of clicked. He does always call me “Sarah” rather than “Sarah-san”, although that could be that he just knows how people in the west talk to each other. But no one else calls me without honorific’s.

 

I wasn’t really sure what to do. I think after that I found myself being aware of when he was in the room and before I leave, I noticed he is the first person I make eye-contact with. Maybe I am really picking out the little things but I have spoken to my close friends and they seem to say the say thing, that I am not imagining it.

 

Now the biggest obstacle is to come. How do I give him my contact details? When as I have some omiyage from my trip to Osaka, I am going to use that as an disguise. I going to try and make a little bag of presents for the people who talk to me the most. Its just that his will be bigger.  The only thing is how to give it to him. I can’t really call him out because that would be majorly awkward for me. Instead, I need to pass it to him like everyone else and try to make it be as normal as possible. Its just this is going to be embarrassing no matter what I do. And I need to get the timing right.

 

Arrgghhhhh

 

why is this oh so complicated?!?!

 

Now that I am aware of his kind of interest. I am starting to like him back. I might not know much about him, but there is still time. He tends to pop up in my head and I can’t stop it. It sounds stupid and I am sure I am annoying people. But I can’t help it. I know I’m not a young school girl who likes the popular guy in the school. I am getting older, but I still experiencing many things in my life and I would like to spend it with someone who likes me for who I am. I just want this to work out like I want it to and be truly happy for the first time in my life.

So confused!

Please excuse this rant but I am so confused!! I thought things were going well. But I guess I was kind of kidding myself. I really do have a habit of making situations awkward.

On the other hand, I have been getting on with things okay recently. I’ve managed to do as much work as I can during my free lessons and I’ve successfully managed to do most of the prep. work there. It just gets delayed when it comes to marking other teachers worksheets. They say its not in any rush, but the sooner its done the better so I can carry on working on my own lesson plans and worksheets. I am getting used to creating worksheets now, plus I remember to use American-English and to check my worksheets before I print them. Compared to when creating worksheets for training T_T.

I’ve met some great people here in Kuji. I’ve started to become a regular at a few places. And I am sure that the people at Lawsons are going to get annoyed when they see me enter, but they always greet me with a smile. Plus my friend likes to tease me by saying one of the guys who works there is cute and that I should give him my number or talk to him more. He is just trying to get me to have this love triangle to see where it will get me. As long as I am not put into the same situation as last Saturday then I am okay with that.

Last Saturday was hell for me. I am never going to a bar on my own again! I know little Japanese but to be told to sit with three drunk Japanese guys is the worst thing ever!! One guy kept trying to talk to me.. in his totally drunk state. Then tried to touch my hand, I shook his hand twice and then he tried to rest his head on my shoulder. This same guy told me he a girlfriend…. WTF! I am sorry, but that was hell. I couldn’t understand what they were saying most of the time. When they tried to speak in English, they mumbled. I will be put in that same situation ever again!!

Otherwise, its all going well so far. Though I think I need to stop buying clothes >.< I am trying to blend in by buying Japanese style clothes.. but they are so pretty anyway that I can't help it! I've even made a friend in one of the clothes shops I go to. She came up to me on Sunday and asked for my name. Sadly, I have kind of forgotten her name. But its lovely how she came up to me and spoke to me in English. Maybe I should ask her where is the best places to go in Kuji, she can be my like tour guide 😛

Just a little sentimental

I honestly didn’t think I would get sentimental but its slowly hitting me. It is only a week till my 27th Birthday. I know its meant to be a happy time and celebrate being a year older, but I almost feel the opposite. Instead its a reminder of how much things have and will change. I have 11 days left in the UK.

Please don’t get me wrong! I really am excited to be going to Japan and living there. Its a dream come true. I cannot wait to move into my apartment and settle into my new life. I’ve always wanted a fresh start in a place where I don’t get reminded of things that happened in the past. Or feel like I am stuck in a runt and can’t escape. I can hopeful work in an environment where I won’t get stressed most of the time or be given guilt trips into doing something I don’t want to do.

2012 was the most difficult year I have ever had. Yet there was some people who told me to apply for a job I had always wanted to do. It had been a dream since I was young to be a teacher. I wasn’t really sure on what subject I wanted my speciality to be. It was either a dance teacher or and English teacher. It wasn’t until High School where I really felt inspired to be a teacher.

I had this amazing English teacher, Mrs Clarke. To me, she was a teacher who didn’t treat me like some child they had to teach. She would push me to try my hardest and help me in any way I could. I even took extra classes after school so I could get more help with my assignments and get the highest grade I could. I passed my GCSE English with two Cs, which to me made me really happy, even my form tutor was really excited and praised me for my hard work. It might not seem like much to other people. But for me to have someone reach out and help meant a great deal than I could ever express.

I even more grateful to my friend Kaytee R. She has helped me through a lot over the past three years. Be it deciding on if a relationship is good for me or applying for work. She has always listened and given me honest advise. But I am going to miss her so much. She supported me through my counselling sessions and helped me out of my little shell that I cocooned myself in. I owe her so much and I will be totally lost without her. I won’t have my drinking, dance and shopping partner with me any more. Plus I am going to miss her adorable little baby girl. She is just as beautiful as her mother, whom I am so proud of. Love you my one and only <3

If it wasn’t for Nessa, I don’t think I would have understood what it was like to have a friend from the very start. We’ve known each other since we were four years old. We used to live across the road from each other and play everyday. We may have lived apart from each other for a long time. But we have always kept in contact and kept each other up-to-date with how things are going. She moved back to the Island well over a year ago and she helped through counselling too. She knew how troubled I was and how it was making me really depressed. Plus she knows me better than anyone, well she has put up with for the past 23 years.

Then there is my family. We seem perhaps a little dysfunctional and we aren’t that close. But there is one person who I am going to miss so much that I really hope they will be fine while I’m away. Since I came home from Uni, I think I’ve become more close to my Mother. We spend a lot of time together and I don’t just mean at home. We go shopping, out for meals and go watch movies. We have never been this close and she is definitely my best friend. Although it did take a lot of time to convince her that 3/4 length trousers didn’t suit her, but I go there with determination!! The past couple of years have been so difficult for her as she has struggled looking after her Mum who now has dementia. Yet she has become strong in dealing with it all that I hope she doesn’t crumble while I am away. Mum has always put others first and then later herself. She can get angry at times but that is because she been strong for far too long. She may not like my decisions in life or the boyfriends I’ve dated. But she has always done anything she can to help. She may be overprotective at times, but it only means she cares. I really do love my Mum and I hope that Dad and younger Brother are going to look after her while I’m gone. But its going to be hard to get used to her not being around.

Of course I am grateful to everyone else who said I should go for this job and do something more with my life. Especially friends I have made at my old job. Their support and kind words really mean a lot. Even more so I felt a little out of place at times because some didn’t understand me. But thank you all so much!!

At the end of the day I am only going to Japan, its only a long plane ride away. I will be coming home when ever I can. And it may only be that I will be away for a year. If its more than I will be sure to come back and surprise you all.

Sorry for being sentimental but I wanted to say something now.