Tag Archives: Emotions

Nothing is worse than

Its so strange that after being single for a year and a half now, I am so confused over how guys think. Nothing is worse than being confused like this. I thought that growing up with only two brothers would be a good thing. At least I might be able to understand. But its totally not the case. Its probably just it worse as I still don’t fully understand my brothers.

I do know that I have a tendency to over think things. Plus I was just looking online about stopping over thinking.. and the first step is:

Avoid situations and people that can lead to overthinking. You can do this based on history – you can probably determine which situations are going to keep you up at night unnecessarily. Or do this based on how something makes you feel prior to participating. This takes some self-awareness, but it isn’t unlike what an alcoholic has to do in order to stay sober. They avoid the people, places, and things that put them into that mental state.

“They avoid the people… that put them into that mental state”. Maybe it might help to stay away from the person I like. Probably a good thing. Nothing is ever going to become of liking them anyway. I am sure that I have have the aura that scares men into thinking that I will be a horrible girlfriend. So they want to stay friends. I used to always think that I would always be alone. At least when I was thinking that, I was happier compared to now. It must have done me some good. If I do give off said aura, then it would be nice to know. A friend told me I am an amazing person etc.. but I really don’t see it. But if any one tells me that they attracted to me because of my personality not for my looks one more time. I will seriously kick them in the nuts. People think its great to be attracted on what is on the inside. But in all honesty, people want to hear they are beautiful by the person they like. I’ve never had someone like me because I’m pretty (still can’t used to saying that about me), so what reason do I have to believe that I am. My friends are different of course. It would just be nice to have someone to help boost my confidence a bit more rather than destroy it.

Anyway… Why do men confuse me? When I think that I am getting to know someone really well and it could progress even more, they drop the “its not you, its me” line. The fake line that really pisses me off. The line that really means “Its because I am really not attracted you as your not attractive enough but I will try to let you down gently”. The line that should never have come into existence!  Yes, people try to do the right thing, but doing the absolute wrong thing. Never should anyone use this line if you wish to remain friends either. It makes a person feel like they back-up-, back-up, last resort back-up. If you are really going to toy with a person’s feeling, then you may try to use this line. But be warned that you always been perceived as the ass-hole who used ‘that line’ with the added bonus of being kicked where if freaking hurts!

Also, I am really not liking the “FRIENDZONE” tactic either. The zone that I have been put in most of my life. This zone is getting a little boring. Its also the reason why I am really hating Men right now. Rejection is a bitch with being  FRIENDZONED as its whore of a cousin. Why do people bother with this zone?? Again, its toying with someone’s emotions and its a bastard! “I don’t see you in that/I am not looking for a relationship right now, so can we just be good friends?!” The rhetorical question that really puts the knife in someone’s heart. The question that instantly makes me think of Juliet when she sees Romeo dead laying next to her and her only hope is to commit suicide. That happy dagger that would really be the icing on the cake and would also be a better way to knock someone down when they are already down. You may seem like your letting someone down gently… when you really just killed them inside and stepped them even further onto the road of depression. Seriously, do people not even think about this when they FRIENDZONE someone?????

I think those two lines are the lines I dread to hear the most. I really don’t want to hear them because you know that only go together, if you hear one, then the other is only just round the corner. It then seals your fate of a doomed existence. Instead, I just say “Don’t worry about it” or “It doesn’t matter” I would rather stop you than have to hear those two lines one more freaking time! Its just confusing when you try to reject us by staying friends and give us hope that something might happen in the future.

So please guy’s, try to just at least do something right and don’t use these lines!! You are not really doing anyone any favours if you do!

Self-Sacrificing Love

I’ve been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think “Pained” is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I’m sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I’m not saying that I’m going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I’m like when I’m in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn’t what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I’m more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other’s in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed… I don’t care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart’s ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her… I’ll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other’s. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don’t like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other’s be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don’t know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can’t tell you if that isn’t the case, because I’m single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don’t like to see other’s doing what I do. They aren’t allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don’t want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn’t take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn’t help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don’t want other’s to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can’t help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone’s pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I’m the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I’m also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.

Its Sure Been a While

Well there has been a lot of things for me to deal with recently. And its finally caught up with me after so long of having been pushed aside. There has been a lot of personal problems along with some financial obstacles. But with one only being true to oneself, pushing things to one side and trying to avoid dealing with it has proven to finally come to a standstill. I’ve only been able to bury my head in drawing pictures and now its time to stop. If I could draw pictures for a living, then that would be great. But I lack confidence to sell any work that I do.

I’ve been looking for some kind of work. However, it seems that no one really wants to hire me. I guess my CV/resume must be really bad. Maybe looking for an office job was a bad choice. I should just do something I have experience in, which is either dancing or working at a restaurant. Not really much choice. But it seems that is no one who can really help me decide. I’ve become pathetic in my oldish age.

Once a loner, always a loner right?

Thats what it feels like at the moment. I know isolating myself in my own bedroom is really not helping but I fail to feel the need to do anything else when others don’t seem to understand me that well. I’m not an open book that everyone gets. I’m strange in more ways than one.