I know this is a strange reason to suddenly post something. But this year has be fun yet only recently has some challenges came to light.
The first challenge appeared shortly after failing the N4 test. To some it may not seem like a big thing to others. But as someone who worked hard and tried to study as much as I could. It was a blow. Ok, I know I shouldn’t have thought that I would actually pass the damn thing. But still. Now in my life, this is the fourth test I have actually failed.
The first time I was told my graded ballet exam, after my dance teacher ended the call, I burst into tears. This was ballet, which I had always been the one of the top students in my class. It literally broke me heart. However, I then went on to be my dance teachers first student to pass grade 8 RAD ballet. The second exam I failed was Social studies in Sixth form. But that was shit and I hated it. The third was failing N5. It was my first time taking the JLPT. But still, it made me feel worthless and a waste of money.
Now failing might not seen like such a big thing. But I take many things to heart and it chips away at me inside. N4 might seem like its ok to fail the first time, but I was doing well for the practice tests. So why did I fail the actually exam?????
Anyway, recently, I have started to play an online game in Japanese, to help me study. But once someone starts to talk to me in English, I slide into English mode. But then someone made me feel so small because I was having trouble and they said to stop playing in a server and change to another one.
I suffer from anxiety, so this made me worry even more. Thinking if my Japanese is even good enough? What if I am wasting peoples time trying to learn this language? What am I actually doing here? Will my boyfriend even stay with me if my Japanese is so bad???? Even now typing this has started to make me cry because I feel so hurt and out of place. Yet the reason for leaving the UK, was for feeling out of place and an outcast. That’s not the only reason of course.
I am trying but its never enough!!
This leads to my current problem, I can be socially awkward. I can only really get along with certain people and others can target me easily because I will do what they say under some degree of pressure. The last time I was pressured so much, I literally buckled. As in I had therapy. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Never in my life have I been told that I am useless, until I was in my last job in the UK. I kid you not. My manager told me I was useless and that my pay rise was a mistake. It hit me so hard, that suicide was an option. I was doing my best. Trying to help other sections and my own. Running around and doing too many things at once. The best thing for me was to reach out for help. So I went to my doctor. Who just told me I was an easy target and too soft. Of course. I didn’t tell my parents because my mother was preoccupied looking after my Nan at the time and Dad had work. So I asked for an appointment to see the doctor.
Only after all of that, I got a job to work in Japan. I am so glad I came and I love my job. But anxiety is always difficult to deal with. I wonder if I am really doing a good job. If my students actually understand my English instructions and if the teacher understands what I am trying to do. Its just recently hit me all like a tone of bricks. Even thought my new company bosses has said everyone has done a great job and they have no complaints this year, I still wonder if its just in general and they hiding something.
Now, I wouldn’t say I am overly socially awkward, its just I have problems with dealing with some situations and it doesn’t help when I live out of the city centre and people think its easy for me to go to places quickly. I don’t like short notice. I don’t like intruding on people. Above all, I don’t like places where I don’t know many people and my paranoia creeps in. I know I should be setting an example to students and for my company. But there are times where its difficult.
Socialising with schools this year has been difficult. As I feel I don’t know many other staff members because I am in the English teachers staff room. Compared to last year where I knew many members of staff as everyone was together. I just guess insecure worry that my Japanese isn’t sufficient enough to handle conversations.
But the point of this post was to let of some steam. I just wish things were little easier but I guess I should try harder.