Recently, I have been spending a lot of late nights (when I am trying to get to sleep esepcially) reflecting back on my life… so be prepared for a lot negative and some positive thoughts!
I have been busy recently with work and then I found that playing games has taken over my free time LOL.
Recently, for my HS classes, I getting my 1st grade students to write about who they want to say “Thank you” to. As I am a nice teacher, I always give them an example to follow and it totally got me thinking – I really do need to say a massive thank you to one person in particular.
So here it goes~
Now I am sorry for not even bothering to post anything in a very long time (Waaaay too long). But I have been super distracted with gaming. Oh, yes people! GAMING!!
Last year I bought a PS4 and I was really enjoying playing Overwatch, Diablo III, Doom and then Final Fantasy 15. Yet, as from January, I started playing an MMO Final Fantasy 14 because there was a 14 day trial and I’ve been playing it ever since. Its been a great way for me to practice Japanese… but it gets super addictive too easily and I would hate to see how many hours I have spent playing it already >.<
(It is set to private, but you will have to prove I know you before I let you view my account!)
But its really fun to play and there are lots of things to do. For example, there are many different classes for you to try and level up. My main class is a Black Mage (Well I am a goth… gotta do the Gothic things hahaha). Although I started the game as a White Mage (Healer). I switched to a black mage and I love it. I have many other classes but these two are the higher levels.
I do recommend people come and play! And if we are on the same server, add me as a friend!
Otherwise, I promise I will up-date this site soon as Summer vacation is looming around the corner and I want to watch more dramas to take a break from gaming rofl.
I know this is a strange reason to suddenly post something. But this year has be fun yet only recently has some challenges came to light.
The first challenge appeared shortly after failing the N4 test. To some it may not seem like a big thing to others. But as someone who worked hard and tried to study as much as I could. It was a blow. Ok, I know I shouldn’t have thought that I would actually pass the damn thing. But still. Now in my life, this is the fourth test I have actually failed.
The first time I was told my graded ballet exam, after my dance teacher ended the call, I burst into tears. This was ballet, which I had always been the one of the top students in my class. It literally broke me heart. However, I then went on to be my dance teachers first student to pass grade 8 RAD ballet. The second exam I failed was Social studies in Sixth form. But that was shit and I hated it. The third was failing N5. It was my first time taking the JLPT. But still, it made me feel worthless and a waste of money.
Now failing might not seen like such a big thing. But I take many things to heart and it chips away at me inside. N4 might seem like its ok to fail the first time, but I was doing well for the practice tests. So why did I fail the actually exam?????
Anyway, recently, I have started to play an online game in Japanese, to help me study. But once someone starts to talk to me in English, I slide into English mode. But then someone made me feel so small because I was having trouble and they said to stop playing in a server and change to another one.
I suffer from anxiety, so this made me worry even more. Thinking if my Japanese is even good enough? What if I am wasting peoples time trying to learn this language? What am I actually doing here? Will my boyfriend even stay with me if my Japanese is so bad???? Even now typing this has started to make me cry because I feel so hurt and out of place. Yet the reason for leaving the UK, was for feeling out of place and an outcast. That’s not the only reason of course.
I am trying but its never enough!!
This leads to my current problem, I can be socially awkward. I can only really get along with certain people and others can target me easily because I will do what they say under some degree of pressure. The last time I was pressured so much, I literally buckled. As in I had therapy. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Never in my life have I been told that I am useless, until I was in my last job in the UK. I kid you not. My manager told me I was useless and that my pay rise was a mistake. It hit me so hard, that suicide was an option. I was doing my best. Trying to help other sections and my own. Running around and doing too many things at once. The best thing for me was to reach out for help. So I went to my doctor. Who just told me I was an easy target and too soft. Of course. I didn’t tell my parents because my mother was preoccupied looking after my Nan at the time and Dad had work. So I asked for an appointment to see the doctor.
Only after all of that, I got a job to work in Japan. I am so glad I came and I love my job. But anxiety is always difficult to deal with. I wonder if I am really doing a good job. If my students actually understand my English instructions and if the teacher understands what I am trying to do. Its just recently hit me all like a tone of bricks. Even thought my new company bosses has said everyone has done a great job and they have no complaints this year, I still wonder if its just in general and they hiding something.
Now, I wouldn’t say I am overly socially awkward, its just I have problems with dealing with some situations and it doesn’t help when I live out of the city centre and people think its easy for me to go to places quickly. I don’t like short notice. I don’t like intruding on people. Above all, I don’t like places where I don’t know many people and my paranoia creeps in. I know I should be setting an example to students and for my company. But there are times where its difficult.
Socialising with schools this year has been difficult. As I feel I don’t know many other staff members because I am in the English teachers staff room. Compared to last year where I knew many members of staff as everyone was together. I just guess insecure worry that my Japanese isn’t sufficient enough to handle conversations.
But the point of this post was to let of some steam. I just wish things were little easier but I guess I should try harder.
I can’t believe my last post was all the way back in January!!
There is so much to talk about:
- Moved to Hiroshima
- In a new relationship
- Working at HS and 6 ES
- Amazing friends
- Moved to Hiroshima
After living in Iwate for 3 years, the big move finally came! Although it was no way in hell a smooth ride! I was panicking because I had waaaay too much stuff to move and not enough time to pack it all up. But then the person who came to check was late by two hours! Then the car broke down near Sendai, so we had to travel the rest of the way to Hiroshima on the Shinkansen. Which was all ok, but it was all on my 30th Birthday.. yaaay -___-
But after a week of training in Okayama, I finally moved into my new apartment. It’s great, about the same size as my previous apartment. The only downside is that I am now without a car! I got rid of it because it would be too expensive to repair. However, My Father and I had to travel all the way back to Sendai, pay to get remove my additional paid parts and then travel all the way back with two suitcases of whatever we could pack from a tightly packed car T__T
It was a good thing that if didn’t take long with my parents help to unpack everything and settle it. It was also lucky that my friend had a washing machine and fridge freezer going spare, so I took it off her hands.
- New Relationship
Well, I won’t go into detail with this because we like our privacy. But I met someone and we have now been dating for over 3 months now (almost 100 days!). It is still strange to be in a relationship and be in Japan. But I am happy and that is what matters.
- Working in HS and ES
One thing about the move is that my role here is very different to before. I teach at one HS (High School) three days a week. My workload has drastically changed. Instead of having the teachers telling me what lessons I should be teaching each week. The roles are reversed. I tell the teachers what lesson I will be teaching. I was very nervous at first with all the weight on my shoulders. But I have settled into it and I love it. I don’t have to deal with grammar translation but instead focus more on the communicative activities for my lessons.
In addition, I now teach at 6 ES (Elementary Schools). All the schools are in a weekly rotation so it’s a nice change to end the week. I was nervous about the new challenge, but now I really enjoy it. Of course I get a little nervous teaching infront a whole room of students after only being told what the JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) wants me to do 30 minutes before the lesson. But the students are so energetic and open to learning English, it’s a nice change LOL!
- Amazing friends
Now this is the real reason for posting. I would be so lost if it wasn’t for my amazing friends Nathalie, Kelly, Hoiming and Lu! These 5 amazing women have been so supportive over the past 6 months and I do miss their company with crazy nights out and chats! Thank Gawd we have LINE (a messaging app that is popular in Japan)!!!! Just having friends to talk to every day is perfect! I know that recently I don’t get to go out much. Even more so as I recently bought a PS4 and signed up for Netflix. Plus, I spend my weekends with my boyfriend.
Its just great to have friends who understand me and we get along so well! Plus we even have amazing conversations. And this is the reason for the up-date. Just to prove how amazing well we get along!!
Me: I glad we all still talk. I would totally be totally lost.
N: Me too… Seriously you ladies are one of the best things that have happened to me EVER. Heart
Me: Yup yup
N: I feel bad because I post often but I’m not kidding when I say it helps to talk with you lovely ladies.
H: Sent a sticker
Me: Dont feel bad. I feel bad for not posting much.
H: Imagine that as group hug
N: I think we would huddle together like that too. lol
H: and that’s the beauty of LINE – we catch up at our convenience
Me: Thats true
N: Very true.
N: So nice.
Me: And leave lots of messages for Peter and Noodles to read
N: I’m pretty sure this is like a woman’s talk show and we give insight into the female mind.
Me: Or a free novel to read with multiple characters
Me: Minus a few dragons, witches, ghosts, etc
N: Wait, EXs are kind of like ghosts
N: And problems are kind of like Dragons
N: And bitches be witches
Me: Bitches be zombies
N: Shotgun targets
Me: They die but still come back uglier than before
N: Yes yes
N: Sent a sticker
Me: Exs be vampires.. they suck the life out of you
N: But vampires can be cool…
N: How about poltergeists?
Me: Or a shapeshifter
N: Using their knowledge to get to you… And having ugly skin shedding abilities.
N: Yup sounds about right
Me: And easily change to a different person
N: “I’ve changed now! I’m a new man!” (=___=;;;)
N: That works
Me: Totally works
Me: Old best friends are like witches… once they gain power or what they want, they leave you or use you.
N: Oh. MY. GAWD. It’s too perfect!
N: Sent a sticker
N: That’s EXACTLY how I would describe it!!!
Me: A poltergeist is more like that stalker/groupie. Looking for your attention. To be noticed.
N: Creepers be creeping
N: We seriously need to write some of the stuff we come up with down. Lol
Me: Or achive the chat lol. Send it to an email address and save the copy lol
One of the best conversations to have. Even if it was influenced by Supernatural ROFL. It still totally works, right?!?!
I keep seeing a lot on Facebook that a lot of people are getting married and I kind of feel a little left behind. But then I remember a few things.
It’s not that I am being left behind, but I am happy going at my own pace and right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I am excited about what is to come. It may not be that much to some people, but finding someone with the same interests as you is very hard and even more so that you get along well with many things in common. So I want to make sure that I don’t ruin anything and I hope that the feelings are mutual before I say anything. There is no point rushing anything until you know for sure. I want to just go with the natural flow of things. If I force anything it could totally backfire or it could be the right nudge it needs to start something great. I honestly can’t really tell how things are going to go. Yet, that doesn’t mean I am going to expect someone to date with marriage in mind. I always grew up thinking I would never marry and I was happy with it. In fact, it’s not really an important thing to me. If it happens, it happens. I am happy with things right now. I am more excited with where things are going in the next year or so.
Now, I might be too cautious to some people. But I have my reasons and I don’t want to make the same mistakes as I have done in the past. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and the situation right now is perfect for me. So I just need to remember that and carry on with MY LIFE.
Also, it doesn’t matter that I’m not near that stage, I am building a stable life where I enjoy the job I have teaching great students who interact with me and make each day unpredictable. I might be making a huge step in March but as I get closer to being 30 years old, I am no longer nervous about taking it and I look forward to new situations and opportunities it will bring. So where I am now is a very good place for me and that is what matters.
This doesn’t mean that I want everyone asking me questions about my personal life or ask if I met someone. Only those close to me know and they support me with my decisions. I want people to accept that I want some privacy about somethings because it isn’t only about me. It’s about those I love and cherish as well.
This is going to totally be a rant about my thoughts, but I’ve been doing nothing but sit here and wonder about what it must be like if I would in a romantic relationship right now.
I’ve been living in Japan for over two years and I’m sure most people are still wondering why I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. I sometimes ask myself this question but then I remember the real reason I am here. I came to Japan to teach, not to go in search for a guy every day. I have finally found a job that I love doing and nothing is more rewarding that see a student whom in their first year at High School didn’t even speak English to finally being able to memorize 5 sentences with only looking at pictures to give hints in English in their third year. I’ve seen these students grow and actually speak more to me in English than in my previous job, which was a horrible place for me to ever go to. I admit it wasn’t a wise choice, but there was no where else for me to go.
Romance is going to be hard in a different country where there is different ways to date some one, where public affection is frowned upon and above all, where foreigners are treated differently than native people.
Everyone can tell me to get there, go to pubs and clubs, try to chat to people and make new friends. Yet they fail to see how hard that actually is for someone like me. Its taken me this long to realise that I know enough Japanese to speak to natives. It might not be great, but I can get by. For someone who is highly paranoid and has very little self-confidence, surely you can see how much of big step this is for me.
However, this doesn’t mean that I can waltz up to a hot Japanese guy and instantly spark a conversation with him. Its very daunting to actually speak to someone in a language I’m not good at. Of course, this can also be a great conversation starter, but only if its the right people. You see, here, some guys perceive foreign females to be easy and that they can ride that white horse in an easy step (Its a nice way of saying that they just want to have sex with a foreign girl and that’s it). Its harder for a female to settle down than a male here.
What I am trying to say, is that as much as I would love to find romance, I am still happy with how things are and I’m busy enough with working 6 days a week teaching students who always make each day interesting and I’m never bored.
So I hope you all understand. If you think I am still avoiding dating, I might be because its expensive to go out drinking every week when I’m on little pay. Plus I’m saving up for visiting my friend in Tokyo. I would love to meet someone, its just I have a lot to deal with first.
Firstly, I must apologise for this post in advance as it is the end of the day. Its been a long time since I wrote my thoughts down, so there may not any logical thought behind the change in topics.
Recently, I’ve been watching a lot of drama’s, some of which I have yet to write a review for. But I guess I’ve really been watching them because its all totally fantasy and will never happen in real life. Especially as I am watching a lot of romance drama’s. Yet it makes me realise how much I am totally lacking in that department. I always say I’m waiting for the right guy. But its not like I am actually putting myself out there. I guess the reason is because I’m in a foreign country and I will never be fully excepted in this society. I fully except that. It will be the same in any country. Yet, how can I say I am looking when I don’t really go out. For a start, I have a major paranoia problem mix that with a low self-esteem and add in very little knowledge of Japanese. I feel its okay if you know a lot of Japanese and can go out and meet people. But its difficult for me and I don’t know what to really say. It may seem like I am making a lot of excuses and not doing my self in favours. But it is really difficult.
However, I had recently bought the Genki textbook and workbook to help review the very little that I know. It is really helpful to start over and it gives you little tasks and helps you with writing and grammar. It is for Japanese, but I am tempted to translate into Korean too, as I am trying to study both of them. So I might work on the Korean translation tomorrow when I’ve finished preparing my lessons for Tuesday. I want to be able to speak in both Languages before I eventually return back to the UK. Hopefully, I will find someone before I return back to the UK. But I will have to see how that goes. The real reason I came to Japan was to learn the language and be surrounded by it everyday so I had to learn. So instead of drawing, I seem to be spending most of my free time studying. I just want to make progress.
SO if there is anyone out there who wants to help me practice Korean/Japanese, then please contact me!!!!!!!
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. Well, trying to at least. It tends to get really complicated and it all gets confusing. So here are the things that I’ve learnt.
First of all, Life is never going to be easy. Nothing will pan out EXACTLY how you want it to. Because you can’t consider everything clearly on the spot. There is always going to parts that we don’t think about it. Its not like we are super human and read all the different outcomes of one decision. As much as I wish I could see how things turn out or learn more about a situation, then that will definitely help me. But sadly that is not the case T__T
Second, If you are a foreigner in Japan and came for the possibly trying to settle down here… yeah, I am giving up on that right now. Most Japanese guys are interested in sleeping with a foreigner as some kind of trophy and never think that those who actually stay in Japan for longer than a holiday and the ones who are not those kinds girls. So guys should just stop even trying. It kind of makes me not want to be sociable here in Japan. Because I’m going to see at that horrible kind of prize. I am sure there are some guys who would like to be in a relationship where they want to settle down with a foreigner. But its even harder to find such a guy where I live. Sorry to say it.
(This is more of a reminder to myself than anything, I’ve just had horrible experiences with guys here so far, it could change in the future. But it most likely won’t).
Third, I really need to decide on how long I stay in this country. There have more moments than I like, where I do feel alone and like an outcast. But that is not just in the staff room at my schools. During my first year it was a lot better because I had a friend who I met up with a lot as we both arrived in Japan together. But since they left, no one has filled in the gap and I am at a lose at what to do. Now, I have been visiting friends in other cities and they have been a great help. Its just there are now some other factors creeping in where I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide away.
Recently, I was asked if I could do more English lessons at my second job. Now I was very reluctant to say yes. I was basically asked if I could 6 days of the week. No offence, I love helping people learn English and have English conversations with them. . I was then told that it would move to Thursday’s so I would then get the weekend off to help plan for Monday’s lessons. This week however, I was asked to continue with the Saturday. Am I really over worrying about this? Because I work at three High Schools, most days I have 3-4 lessons I have to plan the whole lesson and worksheets. For myself, I also add in drawing pictures to help the students learn new words. All of this takes up a lot of my time. Recently I’ve been awake at 1am trying to finish it all and have the alarm sent for 5:40. That’s only a little over four hours sleep. I honestly don’t know how long I am going to last with all of this. I signed a contract where I told my company that my second job would not interfere with my primary job. I just hope that it doesn’t or I am going to be under so much pressure that I hope I can cope with it all.
Fourth, I really would like to try living in Korea after my time in this city is up. I really enjoyed my week holiday there during the summer and would like another holiday there to see different aspects that I didn’t get to see the first time. Then I will make the final decision of trying to apply for work there and move there for two years or more. The only uncertainty I have, is that most foreigners who have lived in this city in Japan can stay here for 3 years and then move. This is my second year and I don’t know if I have a longer limitation because I don’t work for the same company. That’s the only annoying this is that, I honestly don’t know how long I can here for. I don’t know if I can ask someone.
If I do get only 3 years, then I will certainly move to Korea in two years time for maybe 2 or 3 years. Before moving back home to England and finally move into my own house which is currently being rented. I just want to experience these two cultures before moving back (or if I go back depending on how things pan out). I feel like I wasted most of my life and wondered around in circles. Even last night I had a dream I was back at my old job and it was yearly review session with the head of my department. When someone I knew came into the room, sat down beside and then elbowed me when I started to agree that I was crap at my job. Instead, he flipped my switch and told my head of department what I really thought and got so angry that I punched them in face because I had enough. After that I woke up. I hope I never have a dream like that again. I want to be in a job that I enjoy and teaching here in Japan is something I enjoy and its a great life experience. I just wish I can make a decision on what the next chapter is going to be and when so I make more concrete plans.