Tag Archives: Feelings

Romance

This is going to totally be a rant about my thoughts, but I’ve been doing nothing but sit here and wonder about what it must be like if I would in a romantic relationship right now.

I’ve been living in Japan for over two years and I’m sure most people are still wondering why I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. I sometimes ask myself this question but then I remember the real reason I am here. I came to Japan to teach, not to go in search for a guy every day. I have finally found a job that I love doing and nothing is more rewarding that see a student whom in their first year at High School didn’t even speak English to finally being able to memorize 5 sentences with only looking at pictures to give hints in English in their third year. I’ve seen these students grow and actually speak more to me in English than in my previous job, which was a horrible place for me to ever go to. I admit it wasn’t a wise choice, but there was no where else for me to go.

Romance is going to be hard in a different country where there is different ways to date some one, where public affection is frowned upon and above all, where foreigners are treated differently than native people.

Everyone can tell me to get there, go to pubs and clubs, try to chat to people and make new friends. Yet they fail to see how hard that actually is for someone like me. Its taken me this long to realise that I know enough Japanese to speak to natives. It might not be great, but I can get by. For someone who is highly paranoid and has very little self-confidence, surely you can see how much of big step this is for me.

However, this doesn’t mean that I can waltz up to a hot Japanese guy and instantly spark a conversation with him. Its very daunting to actually speak to someone in a language I’m not good at. Of course, this can also be a great conversation starter, but only if its the right people. You see, here, some guys perceive foreign females to be easy and that they can ride that white horse in an easy step (Its a nice way of saying that they just want to have sex with a foreign girl and that’s it). Its harder for a female to settle down than a male here.

What I am trying to say, is that as much as I would love to find romance, I am still happy with how things are and I’m busy enough with working 6 days a week teaching students who always make each day interesting and I’m never bored.

So I hope you all understand. If you think I am still avoiding dating, I might be because its expensive to go out drinking every week when I’m on little pay. Plus I’m saving up for visiting my friend in Tokyo. I would love to meet someone, its just I have a lot to deal with first.

At the end of the day

Firstly, I must apologise for this post in advance as it is the end of the day. Its been a long time since I wrote my thoughts down, so there may not any logical thought behind the change in topics.

Recently, I’ve been watching a lot of drama’s, some of which I have yet to write a review for. But I guess I’ve really been watching them because its all totally fantasy and will never happen in real life. Especially as I am watching a lot of romance drama’s. Yet it makes me realise how much I am totally lacking in that department. I always say I’m waiting for the right guy. But its not like I am actually putting myself out there. I guess the reason is because I’m in a foreign country and I will never be fully excepted in this society. I fully except that. It will be the same in any country. Yet, how can I say I am looking when I don’t really go out. For a start, I have a major paranoia problem mix that with a low self-esteem and add in very little knowledge of Japanese. I feel its okay if you know a lot of Japanese and can go out and meet people. But its difficult for me and I don’t know what to really say. It may seem like I am making a lot of excuses and not doing my self in favours. But it is really difficult.

However, I had recently bought the Genki textbook and workbook to help review the very little that I know. It is really helpful to start over and it gives you little tasks and helps you with writing and grammar. It is for Japanese, but I am tempted to translate into Korean too, as I am trying to study both of them. So I might work on the Korean translation tomorrow when I’ve finished preparing my lessons for Tuesday. I want to be able to speak in both Languages before I eventually return back to the UK. Hopefully, I will find someone before I return back to the UK. But I will have to see how that goes. The real reason I came to Japan was to learn the language and be surrounded by it everyday so I had to learn. So instead of drawing, I seem to be spending most of my free time studying. I just want to make progress.

SO if there is anyone out there who wants to help me practice Korean/Japanese, then please contact me!!!!!!!

The things I’ve learnt

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. Well, trying to at least. It tends to get really complicated and it all gets confusing. So here are the things that I’ve learnt.

First of all, Life is never going to be easy. Nothing will pan out EXACTLY how you want it to. Because you can’t consider everything clearly on the spot. There is always going to parts that we don’t think about it. Its not like we are super human and read all the different outcomes of one decision. As much as I wish I could see how things turn out or learn more about a situation, then that will definitely help me. But sadly that is not the case T__T

Second, If you are a foreigner in Japan and came for the possibly trying to settle down here… yeah, I am giving up on that right now. Most Japanese guys are interested in sleeping with a foreigner as some kind of trophy and never think that those who actually stay in Japan for longer than a holiday and the ones who are not those kinds girls. So guys should just stop even trying. It kind of makes me not want to be sociable here in Japan. Because I’m going to see at that horrible kind of prize. I am sure there are some guys who would like to be in a relationship where they want to settle down with a foreigner. But its even harder to find such a guy where I live. Sorry to say it.
(This is more of a reminder to myself than anything, I’ve just had horrible experiences with guys here so far, it could change in the future. But it most likely won’t).

Third, I really need to decide on how long I stay in this country. There have more moments than I like, where I do feel alone and like an outcast. But that is not just in the staff room at my schools. During my first year it was a lot better because I had a friend who I met up with a lot as we both arrived in Japan together. But since they left, no one has filled in the gap and I am at a lose at what to do. Now, I have been visiting friends in other cities and they have been a great help. Its just there are now some other factors creeping in where I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide away.

Recently, I was asked if I could do more English lessons at my second job. Now I was very reluctant to say yes. I was basically asked if I could 6 days of the week. No offence, I love helping people learn English and have English conversations with them. . I was then told that it would move to Thursday’s so I would then get the weekend off to help plan for Monday’s lessons. This week however, I was asked to continue with the Saturday. Am I really over worrying about this? Because I work at three High Schools, most days I have 3-4 lessons I have to plan the whole lesson and worksheets. For myself, I also add in drawing pictures to help the students learn new words. All of this takes up a lot of my time. Recently I’ve been awake at 1am trying to finish it all and have the alarm sent for 5:40. That’s only a little over four hours sleep. I honestly don’t know how long I am going to last with all of this.  I signed a contract where I told my company that my second job would not interfere with my primary job. I just hope that it doesn’t or I am going to be under so much pressure that I hope I can cope with it all.

Fourth,  I really would like to try living in Korea after my time in this city is up. I really enjoyed my week holiday there during the summer and would like another holiday there to see different aspects that I didn’t get to see the first time. Then I will make the final decision of trying to apply for work there and move there for two years or more. The only uncertainty I have, is that most foreigners who have lived in this city in Japan can stay here for 3 years and then move. This is my second year and I don’t know if I have a longer limitation because I don’t work for the same company. That’s the only annoying this is that, I honestly don’t know how long I can here for. I don’t know if I can ask someone.

If I do get only 3 years, then I will certainly move to Korea in two years time for maybe 2 or 3 years. Before moving back home to England and finally move into my own house which is currently being rented. I just want to experience these two cultures before moving back (or if I go back depending on how things pan out). I feel like I wasted most of my life and wondered around in circles. Even last night I had a dream I was back at my old job and it was yearly review session with the head of my department. When someone I knew came into the room, sat down beside and then elbowed me when I started to agree that I was crap at my job. Instead, he flipped my switch and told my head of department what I really thought and got so angry that I punched them in face because I had enough. After that I woke up. I hope I never have a dream like that again. I want to be in a job that I enjoy and teaching here in Japan is something I enjoy and its a great life experience. I just wish I can make a decision on what the next chapter is going to be and when so I make more concrete plans.

Home made fudge!

FudgeWarning! This is post could get a little depression at some point or another.  So if you don’t want to be influenced by my mood, then stop reading now!

So first all, I made fudge for the first time a few weeks ago!! I really wanted some students to try it as they haven’t had any before and I just wanted to see how it would turn out. The first try was amazing. I made myself so happy that it turned out so well. I then made a bigger batch on my second try to let my students in ESS club and Brass Band Club to try. They really liked it. I just hope I don’t keep making it. There so much sugar that I don’t to have to buy it.

Now lets get this out…

So recently, I’ve noticed that a lot of people are getting engaged this year. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my friends who are and I wish them the best. But really, its reminded me of how I am still single and no where near close to marrying anyone. I don’t think I am even close to anyone to even think about it. I have in the past with my last relationship and it marriage was talked about etc. But as you can see, I’ve not been with anyone since we broke up. Through my own choice and bad luck with guys. So its probably a good thing that I live in a place where most guys don’t talk to you and its harder when you don’t really know the language.

However, I love it here and the fact that I am not rushing anything. I have a lot of work and I volunteer to start and stay late at one school, so my mind is else where. It just gets a little frustrating where I wish I had someone I could talk to when I get home. Someone who wants to be close to me (not a creepy obsessive way!).

I am just letting off steam as its building up for a while now. But I am someone who is after a long term relationship rather than a one night stand, which is not in my nature. I am technically still young, so I am not too worried. Its just once I turn 29, next year… I will start to panic and maybe even think about country I want to really settle down in…..

First Day Back

Well it’s the first day back to the grind stone. I know I’ve only had 3 weeks off. But it has all gone by so quickly.

 

I thankfully arrived back in Japan with no problems, my flight wasn’t overbooked and I didn’t get delayed a whole day. The only down-side was that I wasn’t able to sleep as well as I would have hoped. I was one of the few who were fortunate enough to be sitting with an empty seat next to me. So after a while, I gave up trying to be polite and try to sleep in one chair. But I really needed to sleep to help with jetlag. It was just that finding a comfortable way to sleep was difficult. I was seated in the middle 4-seat width column on one side, while on the other side; the person didn’t seem interested in sleeping at all. He was far more comfortable reading his book with the light on. I think he did sleep for a little while, but it wasn’t very long. His light was bright and it didn’t help that I was sat near the toilet in the middle of economy. So I also had the light to show that the toilet was vacant or occupied shining on me. I didn’t really fancy wearing a night mask, so I tried blocking the light with my hands in front of my face or just throwing the blanket over me to dim it out. Overall, I think I got a few hours’ sleep, but it clearly wasn’t really enough. I slept more on the train from the airport to Ueno Station, the shinkansen and the bus from Morioka to Kuji. I guess I was more relaxed than on the plane even though I am sure that it would have been better to sleep on the plane because I didn’t have to worry about missing my stop. Oh well, it’s just one of those things I guess. I am just glad to be back in Kuji safely.

 

Friday was so hectic. It didn’t help that I had bad jetlag and felt dizzy most of the day. But in the morning I had to meet the new school principals and head of English, which finished at 11:40am. Then I had to go home and then go to Morioka for a health check and to sign my contract. When arrived at the office, I just saw a bunch of smiling faces and frantic hands waving at me. It was great to feel welcomed, but it seems that most of them wanted to talk to me. I didn’t get that finished until around 5:40pm. Then I really wanted to make the most of being in Morioka and near my favourite shop “The Body Shop”. Although google maps hated me and I almost went to the wrong Aeon mall, which was in fact a super market. But it took a fair bit of my petrol while trying to drive around on roads I don’t really know. But once I stopped at a Lawson, and managed to find where the right Aeon mall is. Once I got there, the mall was quiet and I was able to get what I wanted in the Body Shop and then I went to Tower records and found Super Junior M’s Swing mini-album. After that, I went to get a quick snack before the drive back to Kuji. Although, I tried to save the little battery power I had in my phone and not use the GPS to help me find my way back. But I was getting annoyed by the lights of the car behind me instead and ended up turning when I wasn’t meant to. Luckily I didn’t go far and was able to turn around and get back on route. I didn’t do too bad and got back to Kuji in two hours and thirty minutes. It would have been quicker if I had not taken the wrong turning and gotten stuck behind a really slow driver.

 

Thankfully Saturday was a little bit more relaxing. I did have an Eikaiwa (Adult English Conversation Class) in the morning. I felt a little bad by just leaving instantly. But I was given a Bagel to try and I really enjoyed it. Then I noticed someone was watching Finding Nemo, so I was intrigued to listen to it as it was in Japanese. Afterwards, I was finally able to go shopping and buy all the food and drink that I needed. I arrived too late on Thursday to go shopping and I was also exhausted. Then I definitely didn’t have time on Friday, so I just had to wait. When I got home, I was also finally able to clean the mess that I left before going on holiday.

before After

As you can see, I really did leave it in such a state. In addition, as it was finally warm enough to sleep without using a heater on a timer, I could move my bed back into my tatami room and make way for getting a better sofa into my apartment. Even though I only moved my bed into the room just before Christmas, it was strange to be back into the tatami room.

 

Today was my first day at a new High School. It was really nerve wrecking to have to start all over again. There isn’t a teachers seating plan, so I can’t try to learn all the staff’s names as it’s a huge staff room and so many faces to put the names to. Luckily I only had two classes to teach today and the students were shy, but I think I managed to get them to open up, even if it was only a little. However, I am still nervous about teaching them from their text book. Although I might know the second years textbook as Taneichi is using the same book. I might be lucky and be able to use the same ideas for the different schools. I am hoping I can get away with that.

Some Things Must Come to an End

Donghae & EunhyukI’m having a horrible week and bought this CD to cheer me up. But I really can’t believe that the past year is almost ending. I know some things must come to an end. So my first year Japan is ending and its Graduation for the 3rd High Schools students here. I am very lucky to have been allowed to join the ceremony this year. I didn’t actually ask, I just left a post-it note on MY desk, and the JTE saw it and asked…. I was totally going to ask today as I left the post-it note to remind me to ask. I was saved the trouble I guess.

Its just going to be strange to say goodbye to all the 3rd year students. Although, I only teach two classes out of the three. They are still interesting students who have spoken to me outside of classes and have seemed to have taken an interest in learning English. Even if some don’t like the JTE. I felt accepted by the students because they seemed to talk to me and even though they would sometimes ask non-topic related questions during class, they still eventually did the worksheets I set them.

I know I am never going to forget the students I taught for the first year of teaching. But I also feel a little guilty for getting attached to them. But if I don’t get close to my students, how am I meant to understand them and figure out what works for them when trying to learn what I’m teaching. I guess its just a downside to teaching.

Its been a great year, although with some awkward moments and I hope I don’t get any more horny students making about my body shape. But I think I’ve settled into my role a little more and I can handle the students if it gets out of control.

When I arrived I didn’t know what to expect at my schools, what the teachers were like, if they would accept me and if they would talk to me. One of the best choices I made, was asking to join the Brass Band Club. Though I feel bad for not going as much as I should, but I was in the staff room working on things. So its not like I was missing it for a lame reason such as not really wanting to go. It was the perfect opportunity to get to know more of my students and keep playing the flute.

As much as I would like to have my third year students again for another year, I can’t keep them behind a year. I can only wish them the best and hope they do what they really want to do. I just have to make sure that I don’t start crying when its time to say goodbye to them. Though its going to be hard, as my small class of 9 were amazing students and I got on with them really well.

Its just a little shame that there is going to be more changes than I hope in the future. But I guess its going to be a new challenge and one I will have to face.

Life Goes On

Life Goes OnOkay so this will be the last time I up-date about this sort of thing for a while.

If you follow my facebook then you will already know that I got rejected recently. Well I can’t really blame the guy who is going to marry his fiancé soon. I really do know how to choose them. Anyway, at least I can’t say I tried. But is it bad that rather than hurting from a broken heart, I am numb more than anything?

I guess this is the fourth time in a row where it’s happened, so it’s not really a surprise or anything. Maybe I am just used to it by now. Isn’t there a phrase “Rejection is my only friend”? But isn’t better to have rejection as a friend, than regret? At least I can’t complain that I tried or that I wish I had tried harder. It is strange how things turn out now. But I guess in a way, I am glad it didn’t work out.

If anything, it has opened my eyes that maybe I don’t need to only stay here for four years, like I want to. But I am seriously thinking about working in South Korea too. I could even only stay here in Japan for three years and then maybe two years in Korea or something. I know I am getting close to thirty, and it is my twenty-eighth birthday in exactly one month’s time. So why can’t I explore the world now. Of course I would still love to go to South Korea for a holiday in the summer if I can. I’ve wanted to go there for a while and it is cheaper to fly from Japan than from the UK. At least there is that advantage. I will just have to look further into how about getting a job there. But it is not as if I need to decide soon because I still want to live in Japan longer. I am just thinking about after my job here before going back to England with more life experience and qualifications as a teacher.

In the grander scale of life, I am still really young and it could still just too early for me to settle. Although the peer pressure from other friends who have already got boyfriends and are settling down, it’s still hard to feel out of place. One thing is for sure, I know I am not getting any younger. I just need to live life at my own pace and try to put out the fact, that I am one of the few people who are focused on working (well I should be…) out of my mind.

It’s just a dream as it is to be living in a country I’ve always wanted to visit for years. I have a job here and a very nice apartment. So I just need to worry about that. Plus, since I was a child, I thought I wasn’t cut out for dating and that I would probably end up alone. So why am I disappointed by getting rejected. Okay I admit to being lonely and I’ve been like this for a while. So what is another 5, 10, 20 or so years going to do? At least I get to try and stand on my own two feet in Japan first.

I know I should really focus on learning the language and getting to understand the teachers around me. Maybe I should just try to find some classes first and then work from there. Learning on my own is only helping me in some degree.

I might be getting older, but I just to be confident in myself to not want a want to fill a gap that maybe men cannot fill.

One Big Step

Its Valentines
I finally took one big step today. Although, I did the cowardly thing and didn’t give it to him directly, but I put in his shoe locker instead. But I am still embarrassed that I actually did something like this. I’ve been so long out of the dating game, that even the Japanese way of courting is confusing. But thank goodness for Shoujo manga lol Now I just have to wait. At least, I hope he noticed this bag inside… but if he didn’t, then he had better find it tomorrow >.<

I am still going round in circles about if its really okay to pursue someone who works at the same school as you. But we don’t actually work together or even sit together in the staff room. So that’s a positive thing. Its just I don’t want fellow staff members to think poorly of me for it either. I just like him for who he is and I have no hidden agenda.

However, how can anyone not like this guy for who he is? His way of say hello is adorable because he is a shy guy. But on Monday, he was shovelling the snow (yeah I looked at ass at some point or another.. well if he would have his back to me, what else am I meant to do 😛 ). He was standing under the porch roof, about to move more snow when a large pile of snow falls directly in front of him. So he turns round to see if anyone saw as well, and it just so happened to me. So he does this kind of “kyaaaaa” face and I can’t help but laugh, but I am also trying to think of something to say in Japanese, but all the words escape my mind and I carry on laughing. I think I was the only one who saw so it was our little moment.

I think people who are smart enough must have caught on that I like him. I think I smile to him more than anyone else and I tend to look around the room more to see if he is there.

Except for today. The only reason I was able to sneak his chocolates into his shoe locker was because there was a meeting at 2pm and there wasn’t any students around. So I put it in when no one was around. After that, I kept my head down went back to writing notes on a book I’ve been reading for almost a year now about planning lessons and classes. This is solely for my Eikaiwa’s (English conversation classes). I know Interac. has their way of teaching so I follow their guidelines for school lessons.

Now its a waiting game to see if he actually contacts me. I am really thankful for my friends who helped me write in a card. It was only a little message in Japanese. So I hope he understands.

Fingers crossed people!

It’s Vast Approaching!

Might be ready...Valentine’s Day is vast approaching. I bought these chocolates for the guy I like today. Although, for a an hour or so I’ve been wondering if I made the right choice. What if he has a nut allergy or something. I don’t want him to end up in hospital or anything.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought so much about Valentine’s day as much as I have this year. I know it might have something to do with being in a different country and going by what they do. But still, even though I dated in the past, I never really gave anyone a present because I wanted to tell them I really like them. I just want things to work out as this has slowly been progressing over 9/10 months.

I think I had another clue this week that he likes me. On Thursday, I decided to wear a hat to work because my ears would still get really cold when standing outside for 35mins to greet the students in the morning. Then one of the Diving teachers said he liked my hat and I had “nice sense”, which I am guessing he meant it looked good. Now the two other teachers were laughing a little at his simple English. Then the embarrassing moment when along comes Mr. Sexy, he says his usually “Goodo Mornigu”. But then he stands still about a meter in front of me, does his smile with a nod. I think I then smile way too much to see him stand still for a moment before he embarrassingly carries on walking into school. But as he walks past the other teachers, the one who said he liked my outfit, I think tries to get him to say the same. Then the other teacher’s join in. It was like they are ganging up on him to say something about how I look. So I nervously look in their direction to see him looking at me. He sadly (yet also cute too) scurries away into the building.

Now I was embarrassed at the time too, but I keep waiting for him to say something. I don’t want to push him, but he really needs to speak up soon! I just hope that these chocolates are the key. I have figured out how to give him the chocolates.. I found that his shoe locker is near mine! Well, thats if I have recognized the Kanji for his name correctly. But that means its easier to slip it in when I have a free lesson on Thursday as I don’t go to the school on a Friday, so he will get the chocolates a day early.

All that is left to do now, is figure out how to write the message. I was thinking something like:

ハッピーバレンタイン!
あなたが、好きです。

That is as far as I get. It looks so lame to write just that. Yet, what else do I say? “彼氏ください。” (Please be my boyfriend)…. Thinking of what to write is almost as bad as what chocolates to get T__T

HELP!!!

Proud Moments

From StudentIts a proud moment yet tearful one when I read this. A student gave me her exchange diary today and she wrote this message inside. I had a very small class of 9 3rd year students studying Oral Communication. But now their final tests have started and I don’t get to teach this amazing little group any more.

This small class was such a joy to teach and I really got to know them. They were the perfect small group of students who interacted, listened and studied very hard. I hope their little project was enjoyable as they learnt about describing a character, while reviewing what they had already learnt but put in a different way and expanded on it.

Compared to when I first started teaching them and starting the exchange diaries, their English has improved so much and so has their pronunciation. I am rather sad to say good bye to my 3rd year students as they welcomed me the most and talked to me a lot during and outside of classes.

Seeing a student write something like this makes me proud and very happy to have come to this country to teach. There may have been times when I confused them why trying my best to explain.

Now I can only wish them the best and hope they don’t forget what they have learnt during my lessons .

All The Best 3A at Taneichi!