Tag Archives: Feelings

Just my thoughts, that is all

Why is it that one’s troubles always conclude to a flaw within one’s very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one’s self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?

I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can’t fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.

As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can’t be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don’t know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can’t even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.

Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don’t know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don’t know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.

One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn’t want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can’t accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can’t accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say “The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it”. But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don’t seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.

As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I’m not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.

The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.

I’m on the Outside

Staind – Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I’m the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I’ve been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can’t take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22″ monitor, Wii, TV, DVD’s, CD’s and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don’t want to live in because of major insecurities.

I’ve had so many thoughts come into my head and I’ve come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I’ve thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won’t get into the UK. He hasn’t even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn’t treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can’t help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn’t even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don’t want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.