I know I have been really bad for not posting on this site for a really time. But that is about to change. Things have been rather challenging over this year. There many been things that have been playing on mind and have kept inside for far too long. I remember the time when I was going through therapy… and its something that I always tell my friends, and thats is to never keep things inside. Venting out your thoughts is a rather helpful thing to do, so here I go.
If there is one to be certain of, it’s never be surprised by what questions your students can throw at you.
I made this mistake today during a class with second year high school students. I had already pre-warned them that asking such questions such as “Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Do you have children?”, “Are you married?” is off-limits. Two girls were very cunning with your question they managed to write in 3 minutes…..
“How many times have you declared love?”
The curve ball hit well and truly hard. Digging up past, painful memories, to which I had forgotten… well which I had thought I had forgotten.
First things first, before coming to Japan, I was in a long-term relationship. The man I was with we perfect for me. I had never felt so happy. Except he lived in America and I liked the UK. You can bash all long distance relationships as much as you want, but if you say I wasn’t in love, then who the hell are you are to tell me such a thing. It did cost a lot to travel to the states to see him whenever I could. But it did take its toll on my when he kept insisting that I move to the states to live with him, but I never felt comfortable in NY. Well I felt I was shying away from things. The only thing that got me through staying there was him. He such a great support but I felt I could never live there.
Now you know the main back story, here is what some may not know. We were as it happened, Engaged. There was no ring or a big fancy proposal, it simple and natural. We never really told many people only our close friends. Even my parents don’t know about it. But we weren’t trying to hide it. We were still trying figure out the next step. This is the only time I have ever felt so happy, I had planned a wedding, which was a first for me because I never thought I would get married. I always thought I would be alone, happy but alone. So it was a big thing for me.
Anyway, returning to the question..
“How many times have you declared love?”
There has only been one time where I have declared love. One time I felt he was the one I could spend the rest of my life with. One time I felt someone had fully accepted me for who I am and not trying to change me. One time I miss and regret giving up. I should have just tried to talk it out so we could have come to an agreement. But I was childish, no excuses.
I know I should be happy that I made the choice and I am dealing it with it a little badly recent and its been playing on my mind a lot. There are so many ifs and buts that it’s a whirlpool inside my mind. But there is no going back. He has his own family, he is with someone, who in my opinion is just using him, but who am I to say anything.
When I was asked the question, everything came flooding back and I told the students about how I was engaged before I came to Japan, and that it didn’t work out. It just reminded me of how much I have changed. This all happened maybe 6 years ago. I came to Japan 5 years ago. Here I am. Wondering if I will ever find someone again, someone who I well and truly loved as much, if not more, than how much I loved him.
Feelings – Oh how I hate you!!!!
Recently, I have been spending a lot of late nights (when I am trying to get to sleep esepcially) reflecting back on my life… so be prepared for a lot negative and some positive thoughts!
I have been busy recently with work and then I found that playing games has taken over my free time LOL.
Recently, for my HS classes, I getting my 1st grade students to write about who they want to say “Thank you” to. As I am a nice teacher, I always give them an example to follow and it totally got me thinking – I really do need to say a massive thank you to one person in particular.
So here it goes~
Introducing Numb Artist!!
I have finally decided that with this part of my website, I want to talk about my travels and explorations of the world. I want to use this as a kind of scrapbook to document where I go and what to do.
I might even through in a few useful times on living in this country or any useful findings that might be handy to know.
This part of the website will be updated as much as I can. I hope to even spice things up a little.
However, please bare with me while I find a suitable style to help make the navigation of this part of the website more accessible.
Please leave a comment about you want me to talk about or just words of encouragement.
I can’t believe my last post was all the way back in January!!
There is so much to talk about:
- Moved to Hiroshima
- In a new relationship
- Working at HS and 6 ES
- Amazing friends
- Moved to Hiroshima
After living in Iwate for 3 years, the big move finally came! Although it was no way in hell a smooth ride! I was panicking because I had waaaay too much stuff to move and not enough time to pack it all up. But then the person who came to check was late by two hours! Then the car broke down near Sendai, so we had to travel the rest of the way to Hiroshima on the Shinkansen. Which was all ok, but it was all on my 30th Birthday.. yaaay -___-
But after a week of training in Okayama, I finally moved into my new apartment. It’s great, about the same size as my previous apartment. The only downside is that I am now without a car! I got rid of it because it would be too expensive to repair. However, My Father and I had to travel all the way back to Sendai, pay to get remove my additional paid parts and then travel all the way back with two suitcases of whatever we could pack from a tightly packed car T__T
It was a good thing that if didn’t take long with my parents help to unpack everything and settle it. It was also lucky that my friend had a washing machine and fridge freezer going spare, so I took it off her hands.
- New Relationship
Well, I won’t go into detail with this because we like our privacy. But I met someone and we have now been dating for over 3 months now (almost 100 days!). It is still strange to be in a relationship and be in Japan. But I am happy and that is what matters.
- Working in HS and ES
One thing about the move is that my role here is very different to before. I teach at one HS (High School) three days a week. My workload has drastically changed. Instead of having the teachers telling me what lessons I should be teaching each week. The roles are reversed. I tell the teachers what lesson I will be teaching. I was very nervous at first with all the weight on my shoulders. But I have settled into it and I love it. I don’t have to deal with grammar translation but instead focus more on the communicative activities for my lessons.
In addition, I now teach at 6 ES (Elementary Schools). All the schools are in a weekly rotation so it’s a nice change to end the week. I was nervous about the new challenge, but now I really enjoy it. Of course I get a little nervous teaching infront a whole room of students after only being told what the JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) wants me to do 30 minutes before the lesson. But the students are so energetic and open to learning English, it’s a nice change LOL!
- Amazing friends
Now this is the real reason for posting. I would be so lost if it wasn’t for my amazing friends Nathalie, Kelly, Hoiming and Lu! These 5 amazing women have been so supportive over the past 6 months and I do miss their company with crazy nights out and chats! Thank Gawd we have LINE (a messaging app that is popular in Japan)!!!! Just having friends to talk to every day is perfect! I know that recently I don’t get to go out much. Even more so as I recently bought a PS4 and signed up for Netflix. Plus, I spend my weekends with my boyfriend.
Its just great to have friends who understand me and we get along so well! Plus we even have amazing conversations. And this is the reason for the up-date. Just to prove how amazing well we get along!!
Me: I glad we all still talk. I would totally be totally lost.
N: Me too… Seriously you ladies are one of the best things that have happened to me EVER. Heart
Me: Yup yup
N: I feel bad because I post often but I’m not kidding when I say it helps to talk with you lovely ladies.
H: Sent a sticker
Me: Dont feel bad. I feel bad for not posting much.
H: Imagine that as group hug
N: I think we would huddle together like that too. lol
H: and that’s the beauty of LINE – we catch up at our convenience
Me: Thats true
N: Very true.
N: So nice.
Me: And leave lots of messages for Peter and Noodles to read
N: I’m pretty sure this is like a woman’s talk show and we give insight into the female mind.
Me: Or a free novel to read with multiple characters
Me: Minus a few dragons, witches, ghosts, etc
N: Wait, EXs are kind of like ghosts
N: And problems are kind of like Dragons
N: And bitches be witches
Me: Bitches be zombies
N: Shotgun targets
Me: They die but still come back uglier than before
N: Yes yes
N: Sent a sticker
Me: Exs be vampires.. they suck the life out of you
N: But vampires can be cool…
N: How about poltergeists?
Me: Or a shapeshifter
N: Using their knowledge to get to you… And having ugly skin shedding abilities.
N: Yup sounds about right
Me: And easily change to a different person
N: “I’ve changed now! I’m a new man!” (=___=;;;)
N: That works
Me: Totally works
Me: Old best friends are like witches… once they gain power or what they want, they leave you or use you.
N: Oh. MY. GAWD. It’s too perfect!
N: Sent a sticker
N: That’s EXACTLY how I would describe it!!!
Me: A poltergeist is more like that stalker/groupie. Looking for your attention. To be noticed.
N: Creepers be creeping
N: We seriously need to write some of the stuff we come up with down. Lol
Me: Or achive the chat lol. Send it to an email address and save the copy lol
One of the best conversations to have. Even if it was influenced by Supernatural ROFL. It still totally works, right?!?!
Its the start of 2016 and the end of 2015!!
Well I’ve had my fair share of okay New Year Eve’s and 2015 happened to be the worst of them all. It was going really well. I was having a wonderful time with my best friends in Osaka.As we all had decided to spend New Years together and spend a few days before hand, going to USJ and shopping in Shinsaibashi. Yet just before going shopping on New Year’s Eve, I get a message from the guy I like telling me we can’t meet up and that he doesn’t want any thing more. So basically I got rejected. The day before I arrive in Kyushu for me weeks holiday here. So basically its become a wasted trip where I had booked hotels and flights so I couldn’t just give up and return to Tohoku. I got so pissed off at myself more than him. I can’t believe I allowed myself to think that I would actually talk about possible starting something. I am not going to change my mind to transferring to Kyushu. There are more better opportunities to meet people here. I have seen a lot of Korean people in Fukuoka City, so I might be able to improve my Korean and Japanese at the same time. Its just his timing totally sucked. No, sod that, it FUCKING SUCKED!!!!!!! I was on the train and almost burst into tears because I can’t believe people actually do that.
I am just glad I was with my best friends at the time. Because they have been wonderful and cheered me up with some shopping. Even though I was very good and I didn’t actually buy much because all the hotels and shinkansen’s are costing a fair amount. I proud of myself for not going crazy but I hope I will be okay for the rest of the month (>.<)
I know life goes on and I know that nothing is going to go to the way I want it to. So I am just gonna accept what happened and do things differently in 2016. I plan to move after my 30th Birthday. So I have the new experience to look forward to. I have got to plan a lot for that as I will have to drive across the country to get there. But it will do me good to get into new surroundings and try many new things. As much as I like my schools in Kuji. So far, that is all that is keeping me there. I am very happy to have taught one year group for all of their High School Life and I hope they don’t forget me. But its time for me to move on and move away from the long winters. I am not good with the cold. So I hope moving to a warmer climate will suit me better.
So here’s to the New Year! New Experiences! and to New Friends!!
皆さん、明けましておめでとうございます！！今年はどうぞよろしくお願いします m(_ _)m
I keep seeing a lot on Facebook that a lot of people are getting married and I kind of feel a little left behind. But then I remember a few things.
It’s not that I am being left behind, but I am happy going at my own pace and right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I am excited about what is to come. It may not be that much to some people, but finding someone with the same interests as you is very hard and even more so that you get along well with many things in common. So I want to make sure that I don’t ruin anything and I hope that the feelings are mutual before I say anything. There is no point rushing anything until you know for sure. I want to just go with the natural flow of things. If I force anything it could totally backfire or it could be the right nudge it needs to start something great. I honestly can’t really tell how things are going to go. Yet, that doesn’t mean I am going to expect someone to date with marriage in mind. I always grew up thinking I would never marry and I was happy with it. In fact, it’s not really an important thing to me. If it happens, it happens. I am happy with things right now. I am more excited with where things are going in the next year or so.
Now, I might be too cautious to some people. But I have my reasons and I don’t want to make the same mistakes as I have done in the past. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and the situation right now is perfect for me. So I just need to remember that and carry on with MY LIFE.
Also, it doesn’t matter that I’m not near that stage, I am building a stable life where I enjoy the job I have teaching great students who interact with me and make each day unpredictable. I might be making a huge step in March but as I get closer to being 30 years old, I am no longer nervous about taking it and I look forward to new situations and opportunities it will bring. So where I am now is a very good place for me and that is what matters.
This doesn’t mean that I want everyone asking me questions about my personal life or ask if I met someone. Only those close to me know and they support me with my decisions. I want people to accept that I want some privacy about somethings because it isn’t only about me. It’s about those I love and cherish as well.
This is going to totally be a rant about my thoughts, but I’ve been doing nothing but sit here and wonder about what it must be like if I would in a romantic relationship right now.
I’ve been living in Japan for over two years and I’m sure most people are still wondering why I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. I sometimes ask myself this question but then I remember the real reason I am here. I came to Japan to teach, not to go in search for a guy every day. I have finally found a job that I love doing and nothing is more rewarding that see a student whom in their first year at High School didn’t even speak English to finally being able to memorize 5 sentences with only looking at pictures to give hints in English in their third year. I’ve seen these students grow and actually speak more to me in English than in my previous job, which was a horrible place for me to ever go to. I admit it wasn’t a wise choice, but there was no where else for me to go.
Romance is going to be hard in a different country where there is different ways to date some one, where public affection is frowned upon and above all, where foreigners are treated differently than native people.
Everyone can tell me to get there, go to pubs and clubs, try to chat to people and make new friends. Yet they fail to see how hard that actually is for someone like me. Its taken me this long to realise that I know enough Japanese to speak to natives. It might not be great, but I can get by. For someone who is highly paranoid and has very little self-confidence, surely you can see how much of big step this is for me.
However, this doesn’t mean that I can waltz up to a hot Japanese guy and instantly spark a conversation with him. Its very daunting to actually speak to someone in a language I’m not good at. Of course, this can also be a great conversation starter, but only if its the right people. You see, here, some guys perceive foreign females to be easy and that they can ride that white horse in an easy step (Its a nice way of saying that they just want to have sex with a foreign girl and that’s it). Its harder for a female to settle down than a male here.
What I am trying to say, is that as much as I would love to find romance, I am still happy with how things are and I’m busy enough with working 6 days a week teaching students who always make each day interesting and I’m never bored.
So I hope you all understand. If you think I am still avoiding dating, I might be because its expensive to go out drinking every week when I’m on little pay. Plus I’m saving up for visiting my friend in Tokyo. I would love to meet someone, its just I have a lot to deal with first.
Firstly, I must apologise for this post in advance as it is the end of the day. Its been a long time since I wrote my thoughts down, so there may not any logical thought behind the change in topics.
Recently, I’ve been watching a lot of drama’s, some of which I have yet to write a review for. But I guess I’ve really been watching them because its all totally fantasy and will never happen in real life. Especially as I am watching a lot of romance drama’s. Yet it makes me realise how much I am totally lacking in that department. I always say I’m waiting for the right guy. But its not like I am actually putting myself out there. I guess the reason is because I’m in a foreign country and I will never be fully excepted in this society. I fully except that. It will be the same in any country. Yet, how can I say I am looking when I don’t really go out. For a start, I have a major paranoia problem mix that with a low self-esteem and add in very little knowledge of Japanese. I feel its okay if you know a lot of Japanese and can go out and meet people. But its difficult for me and I don’t know what to really say. It may seem like I am making a lot of excuses and not doing my self in favours. But it is really difficult.
However, I had recently bought the Genki textbook and workbook to help review the very little that I know. It is really helpful to start over and it gives you little tasks and helps you with writing and grammar. It is for Japanese, but I am tempted to translate into Korean too, as I am trying to study both of them. So I might work on the Korean translation tomorrow when I’ve finished preparing my lessons for Tuesday. I want to be able to speak in both Languages before I eventually return back to the UK. Hopefully, I will find someone before I return back to the UK. But I will have to see how that goes. The real reason I came to Japan was to learn the language and be surrounded by it everyday so I had to learn. So instead of drawing, I seem to be spending most of my free time studying. I just want to make progress.
SO if there is anyone out there who wants to help me practice Korean/Japanese, then please contact me!!!!!!!