Tag Archives: Love

Romance

This is going to totally be a rant about my thoughts, but I’ve been doing nothing but sit here and wonder about what it must be like if I would in a romantic relationship right now.

I’ve been living in Japan for over two years and I’m sure most people are still wondering why I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. I sometimes ask myself this question but then I remember the real reason I am here. I came to Japan to teach, not to go in search for a guy every day. I have finally found a job that I love doing and nothing is more rewarding that see a student whom in their first year at High School didn’t even speak English to finally being able to memorize 5 sentences with only looking at pictures to give hints in English in their third year. I’ve seen these students grow and actually speak more to me in English than in my previous job, which was a horrible place for me to ever go to. I admit it wasn’t a wise choice, but there was no where else for me to go.

Romance is going to be hard in a different country where there is different ways to date some one, where public affection is frowned upon and above all, where foreigners are treated differently than native people.

Everyone can tell me to get there, go to pubs and clubs, try to chat to people and make new friends. Yet they fail to see how hard that actually is for someone like me. Its taken me this long to realise that I know enough Japanese to speak to natives. It might not be great, but I can get by. For someone who is highly paranoid and has very little self-confidence, surely you can see how much of big step this is for me.

However, this doesn’t mean that I can waltz up to a hot Japanese guy and instantly spark a conversation with him. Its very daunting to actually speak to someone in a language I’m not good at. Of course, this can also be a great conversation starter, but only if its the right people. You see, here, some guys perceive foreign females to be easy and that they can ride that white horse in an easy step (Its a nice way of saying that they just want to have sex with a foreign girl and that’s it). Its harder for a female to settle down than a male here.

What I am trying to say, is that as much as I would love to find romance, I am still happy with how things are and I’m busy enough with working 6 days a week teaching students who always make each day interesting and I’m never bored.

So I hope you all understand. If you think I am still avoiding dating, I might be because its expensive to go out drinking every week when I’m on little pay. Plus I’m saving up for visiting my friend in Tokyo. I would love to meet someone, its just I have a lot to deal with first.

It’s Vast Approaching!

Might be ready...Valentine’s Day is vast approaching. I bought these chocolates for the guy I like today. Although, for a an hour or so I’ve been wondering if I made the right choice. What if he has a nut allergy or something. I don’t want him to end up in hospital or anything.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought so much about Valentine’s day as much as I have this year. I know it might have something to do with being in a different country and going by what they do. But still, even though I dated in the past, I never really gave anyone a present because I wanted to tell them I really like them. I just want things to work out as this has slowly been progressing over 9/10 months.

I think I had another clue this week that he likes me. On Thursday, I decided to wear a hat to work because my ears would still get really cold when standing outside for 35mins to greet the students in the morning. Then one of the Diving teachers said he liked my hat and I had “nice sense”, which I am guessing he meant it looked good. Now the two other teachers were laughing a little at his simple English. Then the embarrassing moment when along comes Mr. Sexy, he says his usually “Goodo Mornigu”. But then he stands still about a meter in front of me, does his smile with a nod. I think I then smile way too much to see him stand still for a moment before he embarrassingly carries on walking into school. But as he walks past the other teachers, the one who said he liked my outfit, I think tries to get him to say the same. Then the other teacher’s join in. It was like they are ganging up on him to say something about how I look. So I nervously look in their direction to see him looking at me. He sadly (yet also cute too) scurries away into the building.

Now I was embarrassed at the time too, but I keep waiting for him to say something. I don’t want to push him, but he really needs to speak up soon! I just hope that these chocolates are the key. I have figured out how to give him the chocolates.. I found that his shoe locker is near mine! Well, thats if I have recognized the Kanji for his name correctly. But that means its easier to slip it in when I have a free lesson on Thursday as I don’t go to the school on a Friday, so he will get the chocolates a day early.

All that is left to do now, is figure out how to write the message. I was thinking something like:

ハッピーバレンタイン!
あなたが、好きです。

That is as far as I get. It looks so lame to write just that. Yet, what else do I say? “彼氏ください。” (Please be my boyfriend)…. Thinking of what to write is almost as bad as what chocolates to get T__T

HELP!!!

An Update

Well its been a long time since I posted, so here is an update so far about my life and what is new. I’m sorry if it is a little boring, but please bare with me and I hope it all becomes clear towards the end.

TEFL:

I passed the 20-Hour Weekend course. It was a little nerve wreaking at first, but after the ice breakers we all relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. I was surprised to find out that I was the only one on the course who wants to go to Japan to teach. Most wanted to go to Thailand or to Brazil or Spain. It works out better for me as I don’t have many going for jobs there.

Interac Japan:

I finished my application for a position there last week. I am only waiting back for a reply to a question I sent last Thursday with regards to a query about References. Hopefully, I should hear back from them soon, so I can fully completely my application and get to the next stage that is the phone interview.

Art:

Well I persevered and made a painting on A4 using water colour and drawing Ink. But then I painted a bigger version on a canvas I got for my birthday this year. It might not sound like much but I really wanted to experiment using Ink in my work. I think it all turned out really well: http://sazzy-bu.deviantart.com/art/Sweet-Breeze-Canvas-328949022

I have also added some more images to my Society 6 profile. I have had a few people promote my work so far, however, I’ve yet to have anyone buy a piece. But my work is still progressing, so I’m not that surprised. http://society6.com/SazzyBu

House:

Well the work is currently on hold till we get an electrician in to certify all the wiring. Only then will I will be happy fully finishing the decorating. But the water and gas isn’t connected at all. I am hoping to moving in before Christmas. I really need to get out of my parents house and live on my own. I’ve been too dependent for far too long now. I need to get back on my feet rather than secluding myself in my bedroom as its the only place that is really “My Space”. That I really have too much things in my room. Its all piled in so I don’t take over the spare room in the house. It just means that I have plenty of things to fill up my own house. Especially clothes wise. Even my art work is piling up too now. I really want to see what its like on the walls. Guess I will have to wait.

Love:

Well…. its still non-existent. There is someone that I like but I think its more unrequited than anything. Not that I really blame them. I am a strange person and I think it takes a lot to understand me. That I don’t think I’m good enough for them. A friend gave me a funny look when I agreed to that part. I really do wish that I didn’t have this low self-esteem. I just need to find someone to give me the right boost. But at the same time, I don’t think anything will ever happen as I want to leave in March next year (that is if everything goes to plan. I wanted to leave soon but that isn’t going to happen).

I would like for things to nicely fit into place, but I will have to see how things go for now. Its a lot of waiting, especially for work. Then there is the factor that I need to decide on what I really want to do. Do I confess or do I keep quiet and watch them be with someone else. So confusing but I honestly don’t know what to really do.

HELP ME!!!

Self-Sacrificing Love

I’ve been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think “Pained” is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I’m sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I’m not saying that I’m going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I’m like when I’m in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn’t what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I’m more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other’s in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed… I don’t care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart’s ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her… I’ll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other’s. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don’t like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other’s be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don’t know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can’t tell you if that isn’t the case, because I’m single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don’t like to see other’s doing what I do. They aren’t allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don’t want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn’t take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn’t help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don’t want other’s to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can’t help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone’s pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I’m the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I’m also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.