Tag Archives: Relationships

A new forbidden question

If there is one to be certain of, it’s never be surprised by what questions your students can throw at you.

I made this mistake today during a class with second year high school students. I had already pre-warned them that asking such questions such as “Do you have a boyfriend?”, “Do you have children?”, “Are you married?” is off-limits. Two girls were very cunning with your question they managed to write in 3 minutes…..

“How many times have you declared love?”

The curve ball hit well and truly hard. Digging up past, painful memories, to which I had forgotten… well which I had thought I had forgotten.

The Past

First things first, before coming to Japan, I was in a long-term relationship. The man I was with we perfect for me. I had never felt so happy. Except he lived in America and I liked the UK. You can bash all long distance relationships as much as you want, but if you say I wasn’t in love, then who the hell are you are to tell me such a thing. It did cost a lot to travel to the states to see him whenever I could. But it did take its toll on my when he kept insisting that I move to the states to live with him, but I never felt comfortable in NY. Well I felt I was shying away from things. The only thing that got me through staying there was him. He such a great support but I felt I could never live there.

Now you know the main back story, here is what some may not know. We were as it happened, Engaged. There was no ring or a big fancy proposal, it simple and natural. We never really told many people only our close friends. Even my parents don’t know about it. But we weren’t trying to hide it. We were still trying figure out the next step. This is the only time I have ever felt so happy, I had planned a wedding, which was a first for me because I never thought I would get married. I always thought I would be alone, happy but alone. So it was a big thing for me.

Anyway, returning to the question..

“How many times have you declared love?”

There has only been one time where I have declared love. One time I felt he was the one I could spend the rest of my life with. One time I felt someone had fully accepted me for who I am and not trying to change me. One time I miss and regret giving up. I should have just tried to talk it out so we could have come to an agreement. But I was childish, no excuses.

I know I should be happy that I made the choice and I am dealing it with it a little badly recent and its been playing on my mind a lot. There are so many ifs and buts that it’s a whirlpool inside my mind. But there is no going back. He has his own family, he is with someone, who in my opinion is just using him, but who am I to say anything.

When I was asked the question, everything came flooding back and I told the students about how I was engaged before I came to Japan, and that it didn’t work out. It just reminded me of how much I have changed. This all happened maybe 6 years ago. I came to Japan 5 years ago. Here I am. Wondering if I will ever find someone again, someone who I well and truly loved as much, if not more, than how much I loved him.

Feelings – Oh how I hate you!!!!

6 months later…

I can’t believe my last post was all the way back in January!!

There is so much to talk about:

  1. Moved to Hiroshima
  2. In a new relationship
  3. Working at HS and 6 ES
  4. Amazing friends
  1. Moved to Hiroshima

After living in Iwate for 3 years, the big move finally came! Although it was no way in hell a smooth ride! I was panicking because I had waaaay too much stuff to move and not enough time to pack it all up. But then the person who came to check was late by two hours! Then the car broke down near Sendai, so we had to travel the rest of the way to Hiroshima on the Shinkansen. Which was all ok, but it was all on my 30th Birthday.. yaaay -___-

But after a week of training in Okayama, I finally moved into my new apartment. It’s great, about the same size as my previous apartment. The only downside is that I am now without a car! I got rid of it because it would be too expensive to repair. However, My Father and I had to travel all the way back to Sendai, pay to get remove my additional paid parts and then travel all the way back with two suitcases of whatever we could pack from a tightly packed car T__T

It was a good thing that if didn’t take long with my parents help to unpack everything and settle it. It was also lucky that my friend had a washing machine and fridge freezer going spare, so I took it off her hands.

  1. New Relationship

Well, I won’t go into detail with this because we like our privacy. But I met someone and we have now been dating for over 3 months now (almost 100 days!). It is still strange to be in a relationship and be in Japan. But I am happy and that is what matters.


  1. Working in HS and ES

One thing about the move is that my role here is very different to before. I teach at one HS (High School) three days a week. My workload has drastically changed. Instead of having the teachers telling me what lessons I should be teaching each week. The roles are reversed. I tell the teachers what lesson I will be teaching. I was very nervous at first with all the weight on my shoulders. But I have settled into it and I love it. I don’t have to deal with grammar translation but instead focus more on the communicative activities for my lessons.

In addition, I now teach at 6 ES (Elementary Schools).  All the schools are in a weekly rotation so it’s a nice change to end the week. I was nervous about the new challenge, but now I really enjoy it. Of course I get a little nervous teaching infront a whole room of students after only being told what the JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) wants me to do 30 minutes before the lesson. But the students are so energetic and open to learning English, it’s a nice change LOL!

  1. Amazing friends

Now this is the real reason for posting. I would be so lost if it wasn’t for my amazing friends Nathalie, Kelly, Hoiming and Lu! These 5 amazing women have been so supportive over the past 6 months and I do miss their company with crazy nights out and chats! Thank Gawd we have LINE (a messaging app that is popular in Japan)!!!! Just having friends to talk to every day is perfect! I know that recently I don’t get to go out much. Even more so as I recently bought a PS4 and signed up for Netflix. Plus, I spend my weekends with my boyfriend.

Its just great to have friends who understand me and we get along so well! Plus we even have amazing conversations. And this is the reason for the up-date. Just to prove how amazing well we get along!!

Me: I glad we all still talk. I would totally be totally lost.
N: Me too… Seriously you ladies are one of the best things that have happened to me EVER. Heart
Me: Yup yup
N: I feel bad because I post often but I’m not kidding when I say it helps to talk with you lovely ladies.
H: Sent a sticker
Me: Dont feel bad. I feel bad for not posting much.
H: Imagine that as group hug
N: I think we would huddle together like that too. lol
H: and that’s the beauty of LINE – we catch up at our convenience
Me: Thats true
N: Very true.
N: So nice.
Me: And leave lots of messages for Peter and Noodles to read
N: I’m pretty sure this is like a woman’s talk show and we give insight into the female mind.
Me: Or a free novel to read with multiple characters
Me: Minus a few dragons, witches, ghosts, etc
N: Wait, EXs are kind of like ghosts
N: And problems are kind of like Dragons
N: And bitches be witches
Me: Na
Me: Bitches be zombies
N: Shotgun targets
Me: They die but still come back uglier than before
N: ψ(`∇´)ψ
N: Yes yes
N: Sent a sticker
Me: Exs be vampires.. they suck the life out of you
N: But vampires can be cool…
N: How about poltergeists?
Me: Hummmm,
Me: Or a shapeshifter
Me: Shapeshifter*
N: Oooooo
N: Shapeshifter
N: Using their knowledge to get to you… And having ugly skin shedding abilities.
N: Yup sounds about right
Me: And easily change to a different person
N: “I’ve changed now! I’m a new man!” (=___=;;;)
N: Yup
N: That works
Me: Totally works
Me: Old best friends are like witches… once they gain power or what they want, they leave you or use you.
N: Oh. MY. GAWD. It’s too perfect!
N: Sent a sticker
N: That’s EXACTLY how I would describe it!!!
Me: Lol
Me: A poltergeist is more like that stalker/groupie. Looking for your attention. To be noticed.
N: *shiver*
N: Creepers be creeping
Me: Yup
N: We seriously need to write some of the stuff we come up with down. Lol
Me: Or achive the chat lol. Send it to an email address and save the copy lol

One of the best conversations to have. Even if it was influenced by Supernatural ROFL. It still totally works, right?!?!




This is going to totally be a rant about my thoughts, but I’ve been doing nothing but sit here and wonder about what it must be like if I would in a romantic relationship right now.

I’ve been living in Japan for over two years and I’m sure most people are still wondering why I haven’t found a boyfriend yet. I sometimes ask myself this question but then I remember the real reason I am here. I came to Japan to teach, not to go in search for a guy every day. I have finally found a job that I love doing and nothing is more rewarding that see a student whom in their first year at High School didn’t even speak English to finally being able to memorize 5 sentences with only looking at pictures to give hints in English in their third year. I’ve seen these students grow and actually speak more to me in English than in my previous job, which was a horrible place for me to ever go to. I admit it wasn’t a wise choice, but there was no where else for me to go.

Romance is going to be hard in a different country where there is different ways to date some one, where public affection is frowned upon and above all, where foreigners are treated differently than native people.

Everyone can tell me to get there, go to pubs and clubs, try to chat to people and make new friends. Yet they fail to see how hard that actually is for someone like me. Its taken me this long to realise that I know enough Japanese to speak to natives. It might not be great, but I can get by. For someone who is highly paranoid and has very little self-confidence, surely you can see how much of big step this is for me.

However, this doesn’t mean that I can waltz up to a hot Japanese guy and instantly spark a conversation with him. Its very daunting to actually speak to someone in a language I’m not good at. Of course, this can also be a great conversation starter, but only if its the right people. You see, here, some guys perceive foreign females to be easy and that they can ride that white horse in an easy step (Its a nice way of saying that they just want to have sex with a foreign girl and that’s it). Its harder for a female to settle down than a male here.

What I am trying to say, is that as much as I would love to find romance, I am still happy with how things are and I’m busy enough with working 6 days a week teaching students who always make each day interesting and I’m never bored.

So I hope you all understand. If you think I am still avoiding dating, I might be because its expensive to go out drinking every week when I’m on little pay. Plus I’m saving up for visiting my friend in Tokyo. I would love to meet someone, its just I have a lot to deal with first.

Self-Sacrificing Love

I’ve been watching a lot of Korean movies recently. But I think “Pained” is one of those where I felt I really understood the characters emotion. Now I’m sorry for the spoilers for those who want to see it. But at the end the guy sacrifices himself. I’m not saying that I’m going to do the same right now. But I was reminded of what I’m like when I’m in a relationship. My last relationship probably wasn’t what many would consider to be a healthy one. But I’m more of a self-sacrificing type. The other person comes first. I never want to see other’s in pain, so I would rather feel the pain instead.

No matter how much I get hit.. How much I bleed… I don’t care at all. But when she cries, it feels like my heart’s ripping apart. So, Please watch over her. If I have to die for her… I’ll die.

self-sacrificing love, Love is such a complicated emotion that I wonder if everyone would sacrifice themselves for the one they really love. Or is just words of comfort? Personally, I have said such words to other’s. I know that I lack certain qualities, but I don’t like to someone a loved one get hurt. I would take the pain instead. I would rather other’s be happy rather than troubled. When I was in my teens, early twenties, I always thought that if I would die, it would be while giving birth to my child. I don’t know why I thought that. But I would rather if the situation called for it, that they saved my child rather than myself. So for years, I thought that would be how I died. I can’t tell you if that isn’t the case, because I’m single and have no chance getting pregnant any time soon.

I don’t like to see other’s doing what I do. They aren’t allowed to keep things bottled up inside. I am not one to listen to their own advise. But I don’t want what is troubling me to effect someone else. I tend to deal with all my problems on my own. But it did get pretty bad recently. I started to get really down and got depressed. Thought about suicide and self-harm. I really couldn’t take it any more. So I went to get help and had 4 sessions with the Health Care team here on this Island. It helped me get over and try to see things in a different light. The thinking part didn’t help, but altering my behaviours did. I just don’t want other’s to have to do the same. Its hard to see someone upset so I help in any way I can. I have been through difficult situations and I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through.

So whenever I watch a drama or a movie about such story lines, I can’t help be moved and understanding. If it means it takes someone’s pain anyway, then I would do it. If I get hurt in the process, then at least I’m the one getting hurt and not them. I can never put myself first, its just not in my nature. But I’m also way to insecure to think highly of myself.

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to write something.