Tag Archives: Troubles

Current difficulties

I know this is a strange reason to suddenly post something. But this year has be fun yet only recently has some challenges came to light.

The first challenge appeared shortly after failing the N4 test. To some it may not seem like a big thing to others. But as someone who worked hard and tried to study as much as I could. It was a blow. Ok, I know I shouldn’t have thought that I would actually pass the damn thing. But still. Now in my life, this is the fourth test I have actually failed.

The first time I was told my graded ballet exam, after my dance teacher ended the call, I burst into tears. This was ballet, which I had always been the one of the top students in my class. It literally broke me heart. However, I then went on to be my dance teachers first student to pass grade 8 RAD ballet. The second exam I failed was Social studies in Sixth form. But that was shit and I hated it. The third was failing N5. It was my first time taking the JLPT. But still, it made me feel worthless and a waste of money.

Now failing might not seen like such a big thing. But I take many things to heart and it chips away at me inside. N4 might seem like its ok to fail the first time, but I was doing well for the practice tests. So why did I fail the actually exam?????

Anyway, recently, I have started to play an online game in Japanese, to help me study. But once someone starts to talk to me in English, I slide into English mode. But then someone made me feel so small because I was having trouble and they said to stop playing in a server and change to another one.

I suffer from anxiety, so this made me worry even more. Thinking if my Japanese is even good enough? What if I am wasting peoples time trying to learn this language? What am I actually doing here? Will my boyfriend even stay with me if my Japanese is so bad???? Even now typing this has started to make me cry because I feel so hurt and out of place. Yet the reason for leaving the UK, was for feeling out of place and an outcast. That’s not the only reason of course.

I am trying but its never enough!!

This leads to my current problem, I can be socially awkward. I can only really get along with certain people and others can target me easily because I will do what they say under some degree of pressure. The last time I was pressured so much, I literally buckled. As in I had therapy. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. Never in my life have I been told that I am useless, until I was in my last job in the UK. I kid you not. My manager told me I was useless and that my pay rise was a mistake. It hit me so hard, that suicide was an option. I was doing my best. Trying to help other sections and my own. Running around and doing too many things at once. The best thing for me was to reach out for help. So I went to my doctor. Who just told me I was an easy target and too soft. Of course. I didn’t tell my parents because my mother was preoccupied looking after my Nan at the time and Dad had work. So I asked for an appointment to see the doctor.

Only after all of that, I got a job to work in Japan. I am so glad I came and I love my job. But anxiety is always difficult to deal with. I wonder if I am really doing a good job. If my students actually understand my English instructions and if the teacher understands what I am trying to do. Its just recently hit me all like a tone of bricks. Even thought my new company bosses has said everyone has done a great job and they have no complaints this year, I still wonder if its just in general and they hiding something.

Now, I wouldn’t say I am overly socially awkward, its just I have problems with dealing with some situations and it doesn’t help when I live out of the city centre and people think its easy for me to go to places quickly. I don’t like short notice. I don’t like intruding on people. Above all, I don’t like places where I don’t know many people and my paranoia creeps in. I know I should be setting an example to students and for my company. But there are times where its difficult.

Socialising with schools this year has been difficult. As I feel I don’t know many other staff members because I am in the English teachers staff room. Compared to last year where I knew many members of staff as everyone was together. I just guess insecure worry that my Japanese isn’t sufficient enough to handle conversations.

But the point of this post was to let of some steam. I just wish things were little easier but I guess I should try harder.

Perplexing Instances

Perplexing Instances

Recently, I’ve been so bewildered by strange conversations with friend’s. I’ve never been able to hold many intense conversations about anything. Yet, it seems that some random conversations still have the tendency to alter into analytical, profound and insightful discussions. Yet when they do alter, it catches me off guard and surprisingly, it’s morphed into talking about my troubles. I don’t mind talking about myself, only on rare occasions. But when it does come to talking about me, paranoia emerges and I wonder what other’s true intentions are. Of course, I do not, by no mean’s, mean it to be offensive. Its just I have a very cautious nature that can sometimes get in the way when I deal with people whom I do not know.

When it comes to making entries such as this, then it isn’t too much of a problem, due to the fact that not many people will read it and that’s fine by me. A blog entry is meant to inform the reader more about the writer and display some mannerisms and characteristics. Otherwise, how else is an online persona going to be created? Of course there are different levels of an online persona, to which I don’t want to go into but hopefully the context has been put across. I will say that there isn’t any difference between my online persona and the ‘me’ in real life. I don’t really see the point of pretending to be someone your not. I wouldn’t do it in real life, so why should I do so online? It might be easier to hide behind a monitor and take a role of someone who is the opposite of who you truly are. But where is the point? Is it really right to seek acceptance that way?

Reverting back to the topic of the entry of perplexing instances, I found myself in a situation on IRC (Internet Relay Chat) where I had three of my friends there supporting me through about something that I was shocked to see we were talking about. It was about my abase nature and its something I don’t talk much about because everyone who talks to me about it fails to see why I am abase. Instead they focus on telling me what I should be doing. But that just gets stretched as I’ve told many people before about past situations and then about time’s where I have tried to gain more confidence but failed.

Continue reading Perplexing Instances

Just my thoughts, that is all

Why is it that one’s troubles always conclude to a flaw within one’s very self? I know that mankind is not perfect in any way. But does fighting with one’s self really enable us to go beyond the obstacle and become the strongest person we can be?

I have always wondered why no matter what situation I put myself in, it will always result in my fear of loneliness. Always being the outcast, the abandoned and the pathetic person who can’t fend for herself. But I have yet to fall and never get back up. This endless cycle is finally taking its toll on not only my appearance but I feel my mentality is slowly going as I try to stand on my own two feet. Knowing what I have to do really is different to being able to do it. Not being able to take the first ten steps forwards but taking twenty steps back as I just end up shutting myself within the confines of my room. Being left with nothing but my thoughts that are constantly on a loop as I try to find a solution to the problem. Trying to determine the probabilities of theories and their outcome. However, they all end up where I started.

As much as I am told to stop thinking and act, it makes it harder to believe in what I am doing. I can’t be this impulsive person who does something because they can. But a person who has to think things through to see if they are worth doing in the first place or I will not be able to get to where I would like to be. Thinking things through makes my actions more worth while I suppose. I don’t know why I have to think, I just do automatically. I can’t even talk about something without properly going over something I want to say first. Trying to correctly word a sentence to make sure it explains what I really want to portray. Or thinking about possible moves to do to help get to a certain position if I am dancing. Even during improvisational sessions, I have to take a moment to step out and think about where I could take something, where it could go to help develop a piece.

Yet even through life, I wish I had done things differently. Tried to be more open with my family and not have created a barrier when ever someone tries to get close to me and get me to talk. I never mean to offend anyone in anyway or even push them away. But old habits die hard and I really am unable to shake it. I don’t know if I will ever accept my own personal flaws and just be happy being who I am or continue the way I am going and not really getting any where at all. Although it has taken this long to work my main reason/fear that stops me is loneliness and abandonment. I still don’t know how to deal with it, in a way that I find most comfortable. With two conflicting sides, its hard to really deal with anything at all.

One side of me really wants this barrier to go away and just be honest with my feelings and let other people know I trust them. Where as, my other side doesn’t want the barrier to go as it will mean changing a part of myself. This is something I have tried to stop. I learnt from a previous experience to never change a part of you for someone else. If they can’t accept you as you are, then there is no reason to be in contact with them. But contradictory to my previous comment, I can still change a part of me for my own reasons. But even then, I would still feel like I would be loosing myself, making myself abandon apart of me just so I can rid myself of this flaw. If I can’t accept me for being myself, then how can I accept others as they are? If I want to be friends people and acknowledge everything about them, then surly I should do the same thing for myself. Otherwise, there would no point in making friends in the first place.

Sometimes I wonder if my thinking about possible moves for the future are really the way forward for me. What if really, what I think are the right moves are really just the wrong ones and I start to repeat my past all over again without any improvement. Such a thought will always be in the back mind and it is something I cannot shake. I know someone would say “The past is the past, there is no point dwelling on it”. But what if that person only looks to the past to work out their future? It could be more useful for someone to reflect back to decide on the actions they should have taken. It only becomes a problem if one starts to obsess about the past and try to correct them later on and even look to the future. They only make the past present, where they loose sight of the years/days/months/minutes/seconds ahead of them. But does avoiding the steps you previously took, still get you to your destination? Does it take you on; the straight path, the winding path, or circular path that takes you back? I always seem to be the on the circular path where I don’t seem to walking forward or even walking back. I am just walking a road that is really lost in confusion as I try to think things through.

As much as I hate being left with nothing but my thoughts, they are the only thing I have. Without my thoughts, would I really be me?? Without my past, would I be me?? Without my choices, would I really be who I am now?? All these questions might sound too philosophical or just jumbled up words to some people. But I’m not really asking any one to respond to this, or to even read it. Its there because it is. Something that is available if anyone decides to look at. This is just a way to store my thoughts and really help think things through. I believe that is the only reason for a journal anyway. Its just a record of thoughts that are made known by formatting them in a way that is accessible easily.

The only next plausible step would be to decide on what I should do with my barrier or just act on gut instinct to get me through the next couple of months, to see where it gets me.

Annoying Colleagues

Ok I know I’ve been annoyed with my colleagues in the past, but recently, the guy who works at the bar, Ivor, is really testing my patience.  He is only still working there because he has to a pay a mortgage, which really is a shit excuse “I’m sorry, I can’t leave because I have a mortgage to pay!” I am sorry but I don’t think I can take his crap any more. I was getting annoyed yesturday with his horrible carol singing in my ear as I try to sing. Even I can sing better than him, many people have told me I have a lovely singing voice but I don’t think I do untill now. I could have punched in the stomach to wind him so he would shut the hell up. I tried looking for my own copy of the carols but I didn’t find any spare.

But today, OMG I could have walked out with the way he treated me. I was working on the Restaurant, with my dear friend Ritch. We are more than capable of working the restaurant as we are the longest members of waiting staff. HOWEVER, Ivor decides to go into “manager” mode and start telling us to do our work. I am sorry, but he know how we do things in the restaurant? We had everything under control. Seriously, Ritch and I are a great team but Ivor goes and knocks me off balance and makes me angry. First off he tells me “When” I need to clear a table. I have my own eye’s, I can see when they are all finished. I am not a fucking dumbass you is blind. I’ve looked after the restaurant on my own many times and I’ve had no problem. I was even told that for the lunch time shift, he was sent home early because of his attitude.

Later on, Ivor decides to go and refil the gravy boat from a table, and he comes out from the kitchen saying “You should have done this”. I turn round and said to him ” then you should have asked me to”. I am getting fed up with his attitude but when he does come up to talk to me, he is like two inches away from my nose. I am sorry but the only person I want that close to my face is my fiance.

Oh but to top off the evening with constantly telling Ritch and I that a table has finished eaten is driving me round the freaking bend. Even when I am about to check to see if a table has finished, he moans at me and tells me to clear. Then when he comes to help us take out the food to the table, it pisses me off even more because he isn’t very good at what he does and when he is meant to be working at the bar, he doesn’t even stay there at all. He wonders off and decides he will come and piss off Ritch and I by thinking he is helping, when he is making things worse.

Then when Ritch and myself are discussing what to do about put the tables pre-ordered food on the till, he goes and says “am I just going to do your work for you, you lazy *something*?” I openly said “well leave it alone then”. If someone is going to complain about doing other people’s work for them, when they are meant to be working at a different post, you don’t constantly tell them what to do and then complain when they “decide” they are going to do the work instead.

If he attitude does no improve before my shift tomorrow, then I am going to scream. Oh and another thing, he is the nosiest fucking prick a fucking live. He is trying to get me to date someone on the shit hole that is the Isle of Wight. I am sorry, but I’ve dated a few people here and none of them even come close to my fiance, well he is my fiance.. DUH!! I really do hate it when people who don’t know me, try to tell me what to do. He is really going to get an ear ful tomorrow if he pisses me off like he did today.

Parents Projecting onto their children.

I don’t know how many people have ever found themselves in this situation but I am getting annoyed by it. I really do think that when a parent has a child above the age of 12, they should just let them find their own identity and ways to live their own life. I’ve not had the best relationship with my parents which is probably why I hate it when they try to control my life too much.

Also I am 22 almost 23 years old, yet they insist on telling me what not to do and then get annoyed when I do the opposite. Like my new hair cut for example, I’ve had a lot of people say it really suites me compared to my parents who say it looks horrible. Ok they might be loosing their little who really they lost when i turned 16. I am not a child any more and I can do what I want. Its just so frustrating when my parents tell me what to do.

Another thing is that Mother doesn’t think I am ready to get married because my bf is in NY. She won’t ever understand what I feel because she wants me to be this little child and stay that way. The obedient child who does what they are told. If I was to follow in my mothers footsteps, then I would have gotten married when I was 20 and that isn’t me at all.

MY parents just don’t seem to let me find my own personality and life style because in their eye’s I am still young. It just gets really hard to find the support I want to live my life really.

Motivation

I know in my last entry I said I would focus more on studying. But since I started doing this website, it seems that I have been so focused on getting it all set up that I haven’t even gotten round to properly studying. I know it is bad and I should really work on getting a better job that isn’t going to keep holding me back. Its just that I’ve been so side tracked with coding the skins and getting it all the way I want it, that I suppose really, I’ve been thinking that working on the site is helping me with my studies, which it has in a way.

However, now that I have got things the way I want it, I can now focus on getting the studying back up to where it should be and finally finishing this web design course. I just lack the motivation to really get things sorted and to do what really needs to be done, which is to stop sitting at my computer all day trying to figure out what to do when there is things I could really be doing.

Like today, I spent most of my time working a painting (which can been seen on my gallery page). Its for a navity picture competition I think. My mother said I should do one and that everyone in the family is going to do it. So that should be fun. But it isn’t really studying web design now is it?!

I’m on the Outside

Staind – Outside

A great song to be played when I feel like I’m the outsider on things. Like I try to sort out future plans, settle down on a place to live with a job. I was speaking to my best friend yesturday and we both agreed to save up a lot of money, and then put a deposit on a house some when next year and get a mortgage. To finally get a place away from my family, which some times annoy me. And be able to support myself on my own for a while. I hate to depend on others. To me, being 22 and living at my parents is close to the worst thing I can. I’ve been brought up hereand I should have to stay here as an adult. However, I know my fiance will something to say about it.

Apparently decisions get made and changed for the third time this year. I just can’t take all of this crap. He knows what I will do if I move there, which is to sell everything I have to get more money to buy things over there. There is no point trying to bring a PC, 22″ monitor, Wii, TV, DVD’s, CD’s and games to the US in my opinion. Why bring things with you that only you appreciate because you brought them and have constant memories of a life you left behind to move to America. A life that you established on your own to create a new life in a country you don’t want to live in because of major insecurities.

I’ve had so many thoughts come into my head and I’ve come close to making them final. But maybe it is asking too much for my fiance to move to England where its safer to live and less blood shed than in America. I’ve thought about post-poning the wedding or even calling it off. Its too early to decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together forever, when my fiance keeps deciding he won’t get into the UK. He hasn’t even tried to visit me again here. Its all down to me moving over there. To visit him over there and to leave everything I have behind because its only going to get nicked or something.

I am just getting a little fed up with being the one who has to do most things in a relationship. My past relationship consisted of me moving backwards and forwards across the south of England to see my boyfriend most of the time. For being the one with the money just because I was on a student loan and had parents who were willing to support me, which my boyfriend at the time abused their kindness. Even when I was around his, he didn’t treat me well so I was fool for staying with him for a year.

Now I can’t help but wonder if I in the same kind of relationship again. Where I am the one doing most of the sacrificing while my partner doesn’t even try to do just as much. I am the weakest person some will ever know when it comes to relationships. But its not like most people actually care. I am just the person people push around just because they can because of my kind and caring personality.

Soon it will time to properly think if things are going to change or I just give in to moving to one place I don’t want to live or just stay in my safe zone because its all I know.

Life’s Mysteries

Well seeing as I tend to spend most of my time on the computer, I thought it would be nice for a change to start properly blogging again. So hopefully I will remember to keep posting here every so often. As well as helping me with my grammar more, as I do have a tendency to not only misspell but to not use the correct grammar too.

Well after having a bit of a down time last night, with things still not being dealt with. But once I take of them one bit at a time, then it should all work out better than it has been now. Of course, I can’t deal with everything related to; my relationship, finding work, studying web design, dealing with family life, and trying to move out all in one go. I should really make a list of all the things I really need to deal with. Like a task list just so I can sort them out. Then by a goal date, I should have done it all on the list.

Now that would be a really smart move really. I should do that now.. here….

Sazzy’s Task List No 1

  1. Talk with bf about plans for the future, including; worries about where to live, How to get all the money needed, Travel costs to get there, suitable job plans before leaving current address, and queries about visa’s etc.
  2. Decide on dates to move out. When would be it appropriate to move in with my best mate, and how to get my stuff into the new apartment.
  3. Studying time troubles; Arrange a schedule to sort out times to study and times to have breaks. This course needs to be done soon/quickly in order to get a well paid 9-5 job.
  4. Family Issues at home; Really need to sort out of its good to talk about all the problems considering my family or just to let them rest for a while.
  5. Find work; well I know I can’t really think this through till I finish the course, but getting some extra money in the mean time will help smooth moving out easier.

Well I will get back to the list soon 😉