Just when I thought things were going well. It just all turns on me. I can’t take much more of this being pushed around. I was getting all worked up about being able to stay here, then my partner says if he comes here, he won’t get in. I’ve been trying so hard to make sure things work. I’ve been working loads of shifts and try my best to plan a head. And now its all been a waste of time, its all been for nothing. I’ve gotten back to studying to be a web designer again. I feel like I’ve wasted my parents money. I’ve even planned how things are going to go in my head. And its all be erased as if it was nothing.
Things are totally falling apart and I can’t stop it because I’m too torn up inside. I’ve said in the past, if I move to America, then I will sell all my stuff. I mean EVERYTHING. But when he said he is going to move here, I started to buy things that would better in the long run. Buying a better monitor for my PC and even buying a Wii. I’ve been saving to go towards buying a house but that idea is useless. In some ways, I feel betrayed and I am not strong enough to cope with anything.
I recently told him I have applied for a full time bar staff job. Maybe that is what kicked it off. So he doesn’t have to get money to move here. Its all on my weak head again. The stress I can’t handle along with work related stress. I thought I could take what ever life throws at me, but I can’t. In the end I am the ant… being crushed on because I am too small.
I really take it any more. I’ve had enough, I would just prefer to be left alone so I wollow in self-pitty.